Please, O woke masters, help us!
We infidels all strive to purge our minds and souls of bigotry and intolerance, to be blessed with ordainment at the altar of wokeness, and to gain admission to the hallowed halls of eternal enlightenment. We know that we must, most importantly, structure society in terms of well defined groups. We have come to see that treating any member of a defined group as an individual is anathema and grounds for banishment from the fold. We must unequivocally exalt and defend people of color, native Americans, those who choose the female gender, LGBTQs, asylum-seekers, “science," and all those feeling oppressed or victimized. We must deplore and deny the legacy of American exceptionalism, white supremacy, Christian faith, patriarchy, biological sex, meritocracy, and conservative ideology.
We hold paramount adherence to these divine tenets. Forgive us, then, when in striving for compliance and obedience we are confounded and distressed upon encountering conflicting traits within groups we must either embrace or reject. How are we to react to evangelical blacks? To black men who beat women? To black conservatives? To white women in general? To gay bigots? To Christian asylum-seekers? To patriotic feminists?
We beseech you, O oracle of wokeness, to offer us guidance in this uncharted sea in which we are conflicted by the need to simultaneously embrace and reject individuals within a given group. Perhaps assigning a weighted coefficient of 0 to 10 to each grouping would help those striving to don the mantle of true wokeness. If defending asylum-seekers were given a priority rating of 8, for example, and decrying religion a 5, then even Bible-carrying asylum-seekers could be safely embraced without fear of breaching the basic tenets of wokeness.
We look forward with optimism to resolution of our plight so that we may confidently and with vigor navigate the path to woke orthodoxy.