Solving the public defecation dilemma
Seattle, San Francisco, Denver, and other bastions of the natural approach to social diversity are faced with a hygiene challenge that appears insoluble. It is not. We have already solved the identical challenge as we walk man's best friend!
Liberal city councils in the metropolises mentioned above merely have to assign their progressive constituents the voluntary duty of following one person who fits the public pooping profile with biodegradable plastic bags at the ready. Once the public pooper has deposited his expression of human rights and privileges, in steps our citizen-volunteer to claim the rewards of a progressive civilization by ensconcing the fresh extrusion in a nice new transparent bag. Imagine the sense of self-satisfaction, public solidarity, and social justice accruing to the progressive bleeding hearts!
What better way to show off one's progressive credentials than having a one-on-one relationship with the least among us? I imagine that city council members would be the first to volunteer their participation. The city managers would have to set up and administer a department of public pooping accountability. Each volunteer would have to have pre-printed, bar-coded labels that would be affixed to each bag, and then dated and coded with GPS coordinates. A public pooping phone application could automate much of the data being collected. I'm certain that in high-tech cities like Seattle and San Francisco, many techies would rush to develop the required app.
Imagine the value of the data collected using this pooping profile. Each bag would contain a wealth of health information. A specialized laboratory would be established to run an extensive analysis of each sample. Things like specimen weights, disease, toxicity, and nutritional evidence could be charted. Interventions would be scheduled based on one's pooping pathology report. DNA profiles would develop rapidly to facilitate further interventions as socially deleterious patterns emerge.
Incorporating an incentive program for the volunteers would be easy. Rewards based on weight totals collected, diseases identified, toxins confirmed, and interventions accomplished would be celebrated at an annual event. Both pooper and collector would be feted in the press. A reality television series would internationalize the public pooping franchise. The Poopdashians as a title springs to mind.
And the best is yet to come! The program would pay for itself! Impossible? Not in progressive paradises that enable the political ecology that creates these opportunities.
After each bio-degradable bag is collected and data recorded, it is then deposited into a large-scale composting facility designed to turn this human waste into a high-value-added product. The composting facility would be solar- and wind-powered. Any residual methane would be used to power the facility or sold back to the grid. Considering the amount of poop accumulated from each depositor into the poop bank, profits would quickly finance the new green ordeal in the process.
Each composting facility would then sell the product under the progressive label. It's the ultimate in environmental enhancement for all public projects or for anyone inclined to support progressive human rights and social justice activism. Who would not want to spread this precious progressive commodity far and wide?
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Petro Alexandrovich is a resident of Seattle and Denver. He is a child of the Gulag. His father survived six years in a Siberian timber camp. Both parents survived Hitler's labor camps and made their way with the family to America in 1960. Petro has worked as an artist and ecologist for the past 40 years.