The Leftist College Student Handbook

Welcome to Leftist College.  As a student at our prestigious institution, you will be required to comply with all of our rules, written as well as unwritten.

Each of you has by now been issued a dictionary of permitted words.  Words not found in the approved dictionary are forbidden.

Each year, the student dictionary has been revised so as to contain fewer words than the previous edition.  These redacted revisions serve two purposes.  One is to avoid newly fashionable trigger words that in prior years were considered acceptable but now are tools of verbal aggression by white racist bigot homophobe (lengthy list redacted) Neanderthals.  Those words have been excised from the approved vocabulary.

The other purpose is to avoid words that students educated in public schools used to understand but no longer do.  Warning: Not all the words in the approved dictionary are spelled according to white racist homophobic (lengthy list redacted) Neanderthal standards, so if you do not find a word right away, ask some students who were educated in public schools to find them for you.

If it happens that you are found guilty of violating any one of our voluminous, byzantine rules, you will be afforded the opportunity to be rehabilitated.  The process consists of several steps. 

First, you must recant whatever words or actions you committed that violated one or more of the rules. 

Second, you must apologize.  The apology must be sincere.  It must be both written and spoken.  Spoken words will be recorded on video and analyzed for any hint of insincerity, no matter how well disguised that insincerity is.  Tears and wailing are helpful. 

If the apology is acceptable, then the punishment phase begins.  Punishments do not involve any physical violence, which we abhor.  They do involve copious amounts of public humiliation and shame.

After the punishment phase, the violator will be judged according to his race.  Needless to say, after the punishment phase, whites will be expelled, even if they can prove their innocence.  It doesn't matter.  Whiteness equals guilt.

There is no defense.  To be accused is to be guilty.  Complaints that no rules were violated are futile, since new rules are created on the spot, are retroactive, and are tailored to the hurt feelings of whoever makes the accusation.

Have a pleasant stay at Leftist College.

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