Move over, trans people: Here come the zombies

There is a new rights movement creeping up on you, or at least there should be by the standards of today’s postmodern liberal society: the zombie rights movement.  If you thought zombies were an improbable facet of Haitian voodoo beliefs, or the flesh-eating ghouls invented forty year ago by George Romero, think again. 

Zombies are real, or at least people who really, truly, honestly believe that they are zombies are real.  Just as there are men who really, truly, honestly believe that they are women, and vice versa.  In fact, the mental disorder even has a name, Cotard Syndrome.  Like transsexualism, it affects only a tiny proportion of society, but that doesn’t mean the folks who suffer from it ought not have their delusion indulged.  In fact, it should be a matter of right.

Similar to transsexuals, zombies suffer from a kind of psychological body dysmorphia.  Where a transsexual believes he should have a vagina where his penis is, a zombie believes that his flesh is dead.  Where a transsexual man wants to dress like a woman, a zombie wants to dress for his funeral.  Where a transsexual man or boy believes he ought to be allowed to shower with women or girls, a zombie believes he doesn’t need to shower, since he is dead.  I am not making any of this up.

In fact, Cotard Syndrome sufferers have been known to starve themselves to death, since, of course, the dead don’t eat – or at least they didn’t until George Romero invented zombies that wanted to consume human flesh.  Still, from my limited research on the topic, I have not come across any incidents where a Cotard sufferer actually tried to consume a fellow human being – though I suppose that is a possibility.   

The larger point is why these zombies are not being indulged and granted the same rights transsexuals assert, and have largely won, such as serving in the military.  Transsexuals also suffer from a body dysmorphia they are evidently helpless to control, and the government has decided to normalize this syndrome and essentially make society conform to transsexual delusions.  Why should Cotard sufferers be treated any differently? 

Granted, giving zombies equal rights would present some conundrums, but so does indulging transsexuals.  For example, would a Cotard sufferer fail an Army physical?  There are two ways to look at it.  Since the applicant believes he is dead, and to be an active-duty soldier you need to be alive – at least until the enemy kills you – indulging the zombie means failing him.  But presumably, since we have an all-volunteer army, a zombie will want to pass, so we should let him join up.  Unless, of course, we reinstitute a draft, in which case we might face a wave of Cotard sufferers certain that they are already dead, and so ineligible for military service.  Imagine M*A*S*H 2025 – Corporal Klinger no longer wears a dress; he pretends to be a zombie. 

Kind of makes your head swim.  Well, nobody said living in a postmodern liberal paradise would be easy.