New Facebook Child Abuse Guidelines

There are millions of social media soldiers lurking out there and recently one of them uncovered a "shocking" Facebook photo of a child holding an "assault rifle." A prompt phone call to the proper authorities ultimately resulted in the attempted "rescue" of said child by CPS and several armed police officers.

But why stop there? As we march "Forward," there are a host of other scenarios where children (and the community) need to be "saved" from the torments of bad parental decision making. As nanny Bloomberg says: "I do think there are certain times we should infringe on your freedom."

Facebook could certainly help this process by putting forth some new child abuse guidelines. Let's start with two groups of separate categories that would likely produce exactly the kinds of images of children that need to be exposed and reported to CPS.

The first group of guidelines would cover weapons, theology, and food (WTF).

As in the case of the "assault rifle" above, weapons are a no-brainer. Photos of children with guns, knives, nunchucks, or bows and arrows are pretty clear cut. But don't stop there. Fingers pointed in the shape of a gun, toy weapons, sticks held in a defensive posture or even NRA t-shirts are all hints of a possible improper upbringing within the home and should thus be investigated.

Any theological display by young students (t-shirts for example) of "offensive" language like "Merry Christmas" or "offensive" symbols such as a cross or Bible should also be reported. Especially if offending item is displayed at a location that is clearly within the public domain.

Food is super easy, just follow Michele Obama and Michael Bloomberg's dictates... uh, guidelines. Displays of sugary, salty, or fatty foods by a child should be reported immediately, especially any portion that appears to be "super-sized." And of course "super-sized" children should be cause for alarm as well and reported to authorities.

Next we'll move on to bragging and sports (BS).

Even the NFL is finally recognizing the dangers associated with the sport of football, so any "violent" action photos of children (especially head-to-head collisions) should be reported to CPS at once. And soccer balls should be kicked (but not too hard) and never head-butted.

While certain sporting scenes clearly constitute child "abuse," the act of bragging is more of a grey area and can be corrected with a little re-education if necessary. Bragging about receiving an "A" for example, or showing off a winning trophy to the camera isn't acceptable but bragging about a participation trophy or passing a class is fine as long as there was no child left behind.

If you're wondering why the environment is excluded from this set of guidelines, it's due to the fact that even children aren't to be excused when it comes to crimes against the environment as can be seen in the "progressive" 10:10 Campaign's "No Pressure" ad where children are blown into bloody bits for "crimes" of environmental noncompliance.

So, comrades, as you're browsing through the multitude of images on Facebook posted by your friends and family, remember to think WTF and report on any of these or any other BS violations you happen to come across during your investigations. The "fundamental transformation" of the U.S. into a "safe" and "fair" nation can be completed with your help.

Next time we'll discuss the reporting of other "dangerous" images that fall within the guidelines of the three R's: Reading (conservative literature), Racism (anyone who opposes the Left's policies) and Rush (no explanation necessary).

Scott blogs at