Political commentators love to call Washington politics "Kabuki theater," especially around those times when our government is shut down.

And while they may have a point about theatrics in general, their comparisons fall a little short of reality when you get into the specifics of Kabuki.

In Kabuki, there is much stylized movement (kata) that includes exaggerated poses and gestures that symbolize emotion rather than depict realism.

By contrast, D.C. politicians are boring and predictable beyond belief.

Then there are the elaborate costumes and makeup (kumadori) that are characterized by bold colors which help to indicate personality traits (red for heroism and blue for villainy red. It's not a political comparison).

Sorry to say, but the Republicans and Democrats are the personification of the wallpaper effect. They are non-descript in their thousand-dollar suits and frankly look like mannequins in a Mens Wearhouse window who are desperately in search of a soul.

Kabuki is famous for its dynamic stagecraft with revolving stages, trapdoors, and the hanamichi, a walkway extending through the audience for dramatic entrances and exits.

D.C. pols stand in statuary hall for their interviews and don't move a muscle, riveted in place. No one disappears from view unless they duck into an elevator to escape reporters.

When it comes to music and narration, Kabuki boasts live shamisen (a three-stringed instrument) music accompanied by a chorus to help narrate the story. The only music in Congress is the sharp clacking of heels that pound the Capitol Building's corridors' polished floors.

Then there are the personages themselves.

Let's take the leaders first.

Speaker of the House Mike Johnson was born in Shreveport, Louisiana. Louisiana is famous for its colorful historical political leaders, but Speaker Johnson looks like my high school yearbook editor and sounds like my old class president.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but Johnson could not get a part in the most famous Kabuki theater presentation, the Kanedehon Chushingura (The Treasury of Loyal Retainers) which is about a group of forty-seven samurai who avenge their lord's forced suicide by killing the official responsible.

On the Democrat side, House Minority Leader Hakim Jeffries could actually play one of the samurai because he has that just resurrected from the dead, tougher than the nails in the coffin, vampire look that would suit a samurai to a "t." If Jeffries ever smiled, we wouldn't know who he was and would probably pass him by.

Then there is Charles (Chuck) Schumer, Senate Minority Leader. He could play the lord who committed suicide because he has that "I'm about to be primaryed" countenance that hides a suicide wish to go down with the ship of state by creating a government shutdown.

Not to be ignored is Senate Majority Leader, John Thune. He definitely couldn't make it past the audition for any part in Kanehedon Chushingura. Thune is every man but no man from a state that only a few Americans have ever visited or who even realize that it is a state.

That is not to say that there are no outstanding figures among the 535 elected officials in the House and Senate; there are a few, but very few.

One of them is Sen. John Kennedy from Louisiana, a man with a witticism for every occasion and a Southern drawl that would make Will Penn Adair Rogers and Samuel Clemens applaud from their graves.

In case you've forgotten, Rogers was an exceptionally astute political watcher.

Two quotes say it all: "I am not a member of any organized party; I am a Democrat" and "Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated," 

Clemens, on the other hand was always at the top of his game when it came to criticizing politicians: "There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."

To our legislative branch's credit, they did try to put on some Hollywood style during the Jan. 6 Congressional Committee investigative hearings by bringing in James Goldston, the former ABC News president. Goldston was hired to advise on and help produce the televised hearings (including the prime-time kickoff on June 9, 2022). As we all know, the hearings gave a number of prominent Congressmen and women a stage from which to show off their stuff. Five of the nine are still in Congress, but four are not. The most controversial member, Liz Cheney, the daughter of the former vice president, lost her bid for re-election, proving that having a cause and being a cause célèbre doesn't guarantee you a permanent seat at the big kids' table. Acting by itself can not convince the public of a politician's sincerity or righteousness. The television camera does not lie.

If not Kabuki, then what should Congress do to up its game and make itself more memorable and, I dare say, more likable?

That may be an impossible hill to climb and/or hold, but maybe Congress should think in terms of remaking itself along the lines of a light opera or operetta like HMS Pinafore or the Mikado.

I can see a well-produced one possibly replacing the annual Congressional Baseball Game usually held in June.

Now that President Trump is the Chair of the Board of Trustees for the Kennedy Center, maybe he can tell the Head of the Center, Richard Grenell, to reserve a week next June for a Congressional operetta entitled: "Shutdown, shutdown – A light operatic farce in three acts," 

Better yet, if the new White House Ballroom is finished by then, maybe Trump can host a gala premier there for some well-heeled donors who are willing to pony up a few millions to see their elected officials cavort about in the spirit of comity.

Stephen Helgesen is a retired American diplomat specializing in international trade. He has lived and worked in 30 countries over the course of 25 years under the Reagan, G.H.W. Bush, Clinton, and G.W. Bush administrations. He is the author of fourteen books, seven of them on American politics, and has written more than 1,500 articles on politics, economics, and social trends. He now lives in Denmark and is a frequent political commentator in Danish media. He can be reached at: stephenhelgesen@gmail.com

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