Kammy gets COVID
The White House has announced that double-vaccinated, double-boosted, and double-dumb V.P. Kamala Harris has tested positive for COVID-19. Although Science itself — in the form of that lovable garden gnome, Tony Fauci — has declared the COVID-19 vaccines and boosters to be both beneficial and necessary, it's clear yet again that they fail to protect anyone from getting or transmitting the disease.
Despite the complete failure of the rapidly produced and minimally tested COVID formulations to actually "vaccinate," the White House still feels that it's time to do what it's been doing. And that time, apparently, is every day.
The people who pull our puppet president's strings also stated that our first affirmative-action vice president would be in isolation at her residence in the U.S. Naval Observatory. This is fortuitous for our asymptomatic veep because the observatory has powerful telescopes that will allow her to stare into space as she recovers. Heck, she can "literally see the craters on the moon." With her own eyes, it goes without saying.
As we know from the zesty word salad Harris recently served up at Vandenburg Space Force Base, Kammy finds space to be both extraordinary and exciting. Harris also believes, against all known laws of physics, that space "affects us all," and, even more improbably, "it connects us all." Who knew?
One can only hope that space — outer space, not the vast, yawning space between Harris's ears — spurs Kamala's imagination and forces her "to ask big questions." Hopefully, she'll write them down and get someone who's not a total space cadet to answer them at a later date.
God knows Harris will have plenty of time to ask these big questions, since the CDC's latest made-up criterion for COVID-19 isolation is five days if asymptomatic, followed by five days of wearing almost useless masks around others. Five days all alone should certainly educate our vapid V.P. on "the significance of the passage of time." When she thinks about it, she'll find there's great significance to the passage of time in terms of what she needs to do, and that time is every day.
Not only will a few days off allow Kammy to ponder space and time, but she can also work on her French accent. Last year, during a visit to a lab in France, Harris used a crappy French accent to explain the scientific method to, um, scientists. "Scientists operate with a hypothesis," she advised them. "I love that!"
She also told them, while waving her hands, that unlike scientists, politicians can't change their hypotheses; they have to "follow the plan, uppercase T, uppercase P." The French scientists, no doubt bilingual, were kind enough not to laugh in Harris's face over her Pepe Le Pew accent, beyond idiotic remarks, and strange desire to capitalize words unnecessarily.
Since Harris apparently feels fine despite her positive COVID tests, she plans to work remotely while isolating. Having been tasked by President No Joke with solving our porous southern border, Harris was already working remotely on it anyway. Apparently, Washington, D.C. is close enough for Harris to address the root causes of illegal immigration by "addressing income insecurity and inequality" in Central America.
Throw gobs of taxpayer money at the problem from D.C. What an utterly Democratic solution!
If there's a sliver of good news in this story, it's that the White House stated that neither our senile president nor Dr. Jill, his keeper, has had "close contact" with Harris in recent days. Of course, Dr. Jill wants as little contact as possible with the woman who painted Joe Biden as a racist during the Democrat primary debates. And poor old Joe's never quite sure if the woman standing next to him is Kammy, his wife, or his sister; all he knows is that their hair smells nice.
So, for now, the First Couple, uppercase F, uppercase C, is probably safe from COVID-19, the very bug that got Biden, ahem, elected. It would seem that the only mortal danger currently facing Joe Biden would be his falling off a stage while trying to shake hands with one of his invisible friends.
As for Kamala, she's now got five days to ponder the majesty of space, the passage of time, income inequality in Central America, the rules of capitalization, and the proper way to affect a French accent.
Image: National Archives.