End hair discrimination now!

In the midst of war in Europe, the COVID-19 pandemic, and crippling U.S. inflation, it's certainly a difficult time to be a member of Congress.  But just when you think our Congress-critters could not possibly be any more corrupt, indolent, or out of touch, they surprise you.

And such is the case with the CROWN Act, which was just passed by the Senate.  The gist of the CROWN Act is that America (and by extension, all white people) is irredeemably racist, and it's high time we stopped hatin' on black hairstyles.  And now, thanks to the CROWN Act, not only do Americans have to show blacks the love by reserving jobs, college admissions, loan programs, and seats on the Supreme Court solely for African-Americans, but we also have to appreciate and applaud dreadlocks, Afros, and cornrows — or else!

As to the "or else," see unjust detention, Jan. 6 protesters.

Having already checked my white privilege on the basketball courts of Van Cortlandt Park, I dig all black hairstyles immensely, even if they've just dunked on me.  Plus, I'm also insanely afraid of being incarcerated.

So even though our country's currently going to hell in a handbasket, I'm personally overjoyed that the Senate found time to effectively end black hairstyle discrimination.  But being the caring kind of guy I am, I wondered, what about other types of hateful hair discrimination?

Shouldn't there also be laws to protect favored hairstyles of other races and ethnicities?

I remember certain hateful types back at NYU, taunting fellow students about their Jewfros, especially the Jewfros with bald crowns, the always popular "Larry Fine look."  Can you imagine someone sarcastically comparing your hair to one of the Three Stooges?  I can't.

And back at Fordham, it was common to hear derogatory remarks about the older guys sporting ponytails, who primarily taught Poetry or Existentialism.  How utterly awful (the hurtful comments, not Existentialism)!  It brings a tear to my eye just remembering such abject intolerance.

And how 'bout the poor Korean-American lads sporting the same hairstyle as Kim Jong-un, and getting called "Buckethead" or "Little Rocket Man" for their trouble?  Oh, the inhumanity!

And back in the day, thanks to Saturday Night Fever, every Italian dude in Brooklyn was piling his dark hair up and back, à la Tony Manero, and taking tons of abuse for his heavily hair-sprayed pompadour.  Most of that abuse was whispered behind their backs, but still...

And, tell me, who's been more maligned than Skinheads?  You shave your head and tattoo KKK or a swastika on your sad, pale scalp, and all of a sudden, nobody wants to hire you!  It just ain't right.

Of course, no group has ever been abused more than the men who favor the dyed combover — men like Donald Trump.  The lying left-wing press has had a field day openly discriminating against the Donald's magnificently coiffed mane; those guys have shown their outright dyed combover–hate in public and gotten away with it.  The great Rudy Giuliani has also suffered greatly in this regard.

And last but not least, let's have a moment of respectful silence for all the folks who wear hairpieces.  You put something that looks like roadkill but costs as much as a used car on your bald pate, and certain vile individuals are oblivious to your pain, calling your expensive hairpiece a rug, a wig, a toupée, a dead rat, and such.  Look at all the abuse William Shatner had to put up with!

While otherwise mostly useless, the Senate has performed a valuable service by outlawing black hairstyle hate with the CROWN Act.  And now it's time for more comprehensive legislation to protect all hairstyles, no matter who's sporting them or how absurd they may look.

I challenge every venal, self-serving millionaire in Congress — i.e., all Democrats and most Republicans — to take up and pass into law my Attack, Demonize (and) Destroy Hair Discrimination, or ADDHD Act.  Putting an end to the vicious insults and discrimination so many Americans endure regarding their tonsorial choices should be Congress's highest priority, assuming nuclear Armageddon does not break out later today.

Image: Piqsels.

If you experience technical problems, please write to helpdesk@americanthinker.com