Dream a little dream of war
I had a scary dream last night. The United States was at war with a Russian-Chinese alliance. While the prospect of any war is scary, this one was even more so. The "woke" U.S. was fighting the enemy utilizing only green energy.
The communists were coming at the U.S. with fighter jets and bombers loaded with jet fuel. We were fighting back with our newly developed solar-powered drones. Unfortunately, while the solar panels on the drones provided enough power to allow it to fly, the weight of the bulky batteries prevented the unmanned vehicle from carrying any actual armaments. Its maximum speed of 85 mph wasn't helping, either. We were clearly losing the air war.
The enemy landed on our shores, bringing tanks and armored personnel-carriers fueled, once again, by fossil fuels. They claimed that the air war was such a "no-contest" that they decided to come and fight on the ground, thus saving some infrastructure for them after the war.
The U.S. land forces, led nobly by General Mark Milley, fought hard but continued to lose ground. Milley ventured that the U.S. cause was being hindered by their use of rubber bullets and paint gun capsules. "The men have to be so careful with the paint capsules. We already are led by a rainbow flag, and we don't need any more color on our banners. We are also somewhat disadvantaged by the fact that the enemy appears to be using lead bullets. Our guys are getting holes shot in them."
World peace secretary John Kerry, speaking in the same rich, dulcet tones that he had once used before the U.S. Senate while mispronouncing the name of Genghis Khan, urged the citizenry to remain brave. "The windmills are nearly up and ready, and when they are, those commies had better watch out. Here I thought we were all friends."
Kerry spoke from the basement of President Joe Biden's Delaware home. "It seems like the right place to be, here with the president," said Kerry in reference to Biden's cadaver propped in the corner. Biden had actually died a year and a half earlier, but through the miracle of Dr. Jill Biden's magic skin moisturizer, he looked no worse than he had while in office. Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham was brought secretly to the basement once a week so Biden could address the nation. The public was amazed at the improvement in POTUS's delivery, though some noted that he didn't move much or use his old gestures when he spoke. Dunham, at first reluctant to take the job, finally relented upon being informed that Achmed the dead terrorist would be given a full presidential pardon — posthumously.
Meanwhile, in the recently seceded state of Florida, the government in exile, led by President Donald Trump and Vice President Ron DeSantis, were preparing to defend their own states. Refusing to succumb to the green initiatives had led to the peninsular state's secession. Trump and DeSantis had declared their independence and had rejected all green energy. Florida had been joined in the new alliance of fossil fueled states by Texas and Oklahoma. Their national guards had retained weapons, which fired real bullets, just like the enemy. "Let's just see them try to invade us," declared a defiant Trump. "We will kick the stuffing out of them. We'll hurt them so bad that even Phony Tony Fauci won't be able to help them."
Fauci, quoted from his prison cell in the Colorado Super-Max facility, said, "As soon as I get out of here, I will infect the enemy with one of my leftover viruses. They won't know what hit them. And I'm going to give Trump a dose, too."
At that point, my alarm went off, and I awoke to a world where Biden is still president, and the war is being fought in Ukraine. Maybe Jeff Dunham really could be brought in to improve Biden's delivery. I'll keep looking for an Achmed pardon in the news. Meanwhile, I hope I can continue the dream tomorrow night. It was just getting interesting.
Image via Piqsels.