New profitable businesses of the woke era

If you are looking for a new career or a way to make extra money, here are a few business opportunities that will make you a nice income these days.

Race educator

Job description: travel to people's houses to teach them how to be less white.

Job requirements: must be willing to travel to very wealthy neighborhoods, mostly inhabited by Hollywood celebrities and high-tech executives.  Be ready to present a one-on-one re-enactment of a Coca-Cola diversity training video.

A sign-maker for this:

Job requirement: must deliver large quantities to Silicon Valley.  Special bonus if made out of recycled garbage.

A TV pundit who will apologize for being a white man

Personal qualities required: white male.

Qualifications: extremely low self-esteem or extremely low I.Q.

CNN and MSNBC are urgently hiring and provide job security.

Victim of oppression

Job description: Go on TV to complain about how society oppresses you.

Personal qualities: white candidates preferred.

No candidates with net worth of less than 10 million dollars need apply.  Hollywood celebrities and members of the Royal Family are given special consideration.

COVID expert

No health care workers or scientists need apply.  Special consideration will be given to women named Karen.

Conservative event stage designer

Qualifications: extensive knowledge of Nazi insignia and having a large dog whistle.

Internet fact-checker

No knowledge of facts or frame of reference required.

Qualifications: full understanding of the Democrat party agenda.  Need to be flexible and able to change your point of view on any issue at any time.

Children's literature quality assurance specialist

Job description: You will be assigned a number of children's books, cartoons, or pre-school educational programs every morning.  Your job is to carefully go through them and find at least five things that are racist, sexist, or transphobic in each one.

Qualifications: attention to detail and being able to read between the lines.

Sexual harassment accuser

People with experience working for Andrew Cuomo will be given special consideration at this time.

Sex educator for kindergarteners

Qualifications: intimate knowledge of the Kama Sutra and ability to define at least 64 genders and a correct pronoun for each one.

Mostly peaceful social justice warrior

Qualifications: need to be able to handle heavy explosives and burn cars with precision so the fire doesn't spread to a nearby CNN reporter.  Must be able to work nights.  Will train.

Undocumented migrant

Citizenship status: residents of Mexico, Guatemala, and Honduras.

Compensation: one-time payment of $1,100 for travel expenses, guaranteed free health care, and unlimited growth potential.  Qualifications: candidates with criminal record preferred.

L.A. public-school teacher

Job description: none.

Qualifications: none.

Work hours: none.

White House press secretary

No knowledge of current events or communication experience required.

Qualifications: need to be condescending but polite.  We'll train on how to circle back.

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Image: Steve

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