Joe Biden's accomplishments

Critics ask: What has Joe Biden ever accomplished other than enriching his own family via various governmental grifts and leaving Barack Obama with chapped butt cheeks from Joe's constant smooching?

Plenty, folks, no joke.

For one, Joe Biden single-handedly killed the #MeToo movement, an anti-male meme that said all women claiming sex abuse must be believed, regardless of any evidence or lack thereof.  This movement culminated in the absurd charges against Brett Kavanaugh during his Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

Without proof, we were told Kavanaugh was an aspiring rapist; a dispenser of date-rape drugs; an exhibitionist; and, worst of all, a thrower of ice cubes.  And the various questionable ladies making these charges had to be believed, no matter their motives or political ties, case closed.  Based on the Senate confirmation hearings, many on the left will tell you we now have a sexual predator on the Supreme Court.

Things changed dramatically when one Tara Reade came along and accused Joe Biden of once attacking her, kissing her without permission, and performing a vaginal exam without a medical license.  In the Capitol Building, no less.  Faced with the end of his presidential ambitions, Biden came out swinging against Reade.

First, he claimed he didn't remember Reade, and considering Joe's age, that's certainly believable.  Then Biden stated that no one had ever publicly reported such an assault before, which is also undeniably true.  The coup de grâce of Biden's defense was him saying repeatedly, it never happened, it never happened, whatever "it" was.

And just like that, the mainstream media nodded their heads in amiable agreement, due process was once again in force, and poor Tara Reade was summarily consigned to the trash bin of history.  #MeToo was dead, as dead as...you know, you know, the thing.

Speaking of the thing, what Joe Biden has done to the English language is just plain astounding.  He's made us all reconsider our outdated, patriarchal, and no doubt white supremacist view of what constitutes correct English grammar and syntax.

Biden forms sentences the way Jackson Pollock paints, tossing nouns around willy-nilly, throwing antecedents to the winds, and leaving participles hanging whenever possible.  Joe's made us reassess our views on verbs — are they even necessary in a sentence?  And the beauty of Biden's Newspeak is that it sounds just as good when muffled by Biden's butch, black mask as it does when you can see Joe's lips moving.  Argle-bargle à la Biden, served fresh and with a smile whiter and brighter than the porcelain of my bathroom sink.

But what Joe Biden will most be remembered for, other than helping President Obama organize a soft coup against President Trump, is striking a blow for differently abled people everywhere.  By becoming the first man to ever run for president while suffering from dementia, Joe's shown them that anything's possible.

Biden's often unaware of what day it is, what state he's in, and even what office he's campaigning for.  But he's not gonna let that stop him from trying to run the most powerful country in the world — no, sir!  And if you think a man whose brain has clearly turned into tapioca should be in a rest home instead of the White House, well, you're just a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.  And probably fat, too.

We've had our first black president; now it's time for our first fried president.  Biden's already secured the critical Hair Club for Men endorsement.  The only thing now standing in his way is the Bilco doors in Biden's basement.  They've got a tricky locking thingy; it took me a while to figure out how to work it.

That's Joe Biden, folks: #MeToo-slayer, mangler of the English tongue, and proud advocate for the mentally deranged.  I'm sure Biden would heartily approve of this message, at least if it were on a teleprompter in letters ten inches tall and Joe had remembered to take his meds.  Thank God his wife's a doctor, albeit a doctor of education.

Caricature by Donkey Hotey.

Critics ask: What has Joe Biden ever accomplished other than enriching his own family via various governmental grifts and leaving Barack Obama with chapped butt cheeks from Joe's constant smooching?

Plenty, folks, no joke.

For one, Joe Biden single-handedly killed the #MeToo movement, an anti-male meme that said all women claiming sex abuse must be believed, regardless of any evidence or lack thereof.  This movement culminated in the absurd charges against Brett Kavanaugh during his Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

Without proof, we were told Kavanaugh was an aspiring rapist; a dispenser of date-rape drugs; an exhibitionist; and, worst of all, a thrower of ice cubes.  And the various questionable ladies making these charges had to be believed, no matter their motives or political ties, case closed.  Based on the Senate confirmation hearings, many on the left will tell you we now have a sexual predator on the Supreme Court.

Things changed dramatically when one Tara Reade came along and accused Joe Biden of once attacking her, kissing her without permission, and performing a vaginal exam without a medical license.  In the Capitol Building, no less.  Faced with the end of his presidential ambitions, Biden came out swinging against Reade.

First, he claimed he didn't remember Reade, and considering Joe's age, that's certainly believable.  Then Biden stated that no one had ever publicly reported such an assault before, which is also undeniably true.  The coup de grâce of Biden's defense was him saying repeatedly, it never happened, it never happened, whatever "it" was.

And just like that, the mainstream media nodded their heads in amiable agreement, due process was once again in force, and poor Tara Reade was summarily consigned to the trash bin of history.  #MeToo was dead, as dead as...you know, you know, the thing.

Speaking of the thing, what Joe Biden has done to the English language is just plain astounding.  He's made us all reconsider our outdated, patriarchal, and no doubt white supremacist view of what constitutes correct English grammar and syntax.

Biden forms sentences the way Jackson Pollock paints, tossing nouns around willy-nilly, throwing antecedents to the winds, and leaving participles hanging whenever possible.  Joe's made us reassess our views on verbs — are they even necessary in a sentence?  And the beauty of Biden's Newspeak is that it sounds just as good when muffled by Biden's butch, black mask as it does when you can see Joe's lips moving.  Argle-bargle à la Biden, served fresh and with a smile whiter and brighter than the porcelain of my bathroom sink.

But what Joe Biden will most be remembered for, other than helping President Obama organize a soft coup against President Trump, is striking a blow for differently abled people everywhere.  By becoming the first man to ever run for president while suffering from dementia, Joe's shown them that anything's possible.

Biden's often unaware of what day it is, what state he's in, and even what office he's campaigning for.  But he's not gonna let that stop him from trying to run the most powerful country in the world — no, sir!  And if you think a man whose brain has clearly turned into tapioca should be in a rest home instead of the White House, well, you're just a lying, dog-faced pony soldier.  And probably fat, too.

We've had our first black president; now it's time for our first fried president.  Biden's already secured the critical Hair Club for Men endorsement.  The only thing now standing in his way is the Bilco doors in Biden's basement.  They've got a tricky locking thingy; it took me a while to figure out how to work it.

That's Joe Biden, folks: #MeToo-slayer, mangler of the English tongue, and proud advocate for the mentally deranged.  I'm sure Biden would heartily approve of this message, at least if it were on a teleprompter in letters ten inches tall and Joe had remembered to take his meds.  Thank God his wife's a doctor, albeit a doctor of education.

Caricature by Donkey Hotey.