New Way Forward Act is totally backward
If you were deported after doing prison time for sexual assault, drug-dealing, or other aggravated felonies, the New Way Forward Act could be your ticket back across the border. The catch? You must legally challenge your deportation order, but do not be dismayed. If this pending legislation is enacted, American taxpayers will pay your legal fees and pony up for your plane ticket as well.
Now teach your fellow felons to follow this three-step roadmap and get a piece of the American pie.
STEP 1 — Hire Your Free Attorney
Under the NWFA's "ALTERNATIVES TO DETENTION," the secretary of Homeland Security must "establish programs," including "appearance assistance services." This is code for "Reverse Your Deportation with Free Attorney." If you were convicted of a serious crime, don't sweat it. The act redefines "serious crime" as a felony that would imprison someone five years or more.
STEP 2 A — Get Your Free Plane Ticket
Under the bill's sub-heading, "RIGHT TO COME HOME," it states, "The Secretary of Homeland Security shall provide transportation for aliens," and it will be at "Government expense, to return to the United States for further immigration proceedings." Make sure you pocket your frequent flier miles.
STEP 2 B — Exercise your "PRESUMPTION OF RELEASE"
This is for career criminals who have a fear of flying and want to cross the border the old-fashioned way without fear of being detained for long.
"A prior conviction or a criminal charge pending against the alien may not be the sole factor to justify the continued detention of the alien." Better yet, the attorney general will no longer be allowed to refuse you a work permit, as that section of the Immigration and Nationality Act will be scrubbed.
STEP 3 — State You Are "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Intersex"
This qualifies you under the subsection "SPECIAL RULE FOR VULNERABLE PERSONS." You will then join the ranks of other vulnerables, like gang members under 21, the mentally ill, and those "experiencing severe trauma."
If you are cisgender, no problem — simply pull a Corporal Klinger. Wear a dress and bright lipstick to establish your street cred. Vulnerable persons "may not be detained unless the Government shows it's unreasonable or not practicable" — don't push your luck.
Rep. Jesus "Chuy" Garcia (D-Ill.) and his 43 Democratic NWFA co-conspirators, officially known as co-sponsors, will welcome felons like you with open arms. But for now, this pending act is percolating in the House Judiciary Subcommittee on Immigration and Citizenship . They do not want this bill boiling over until after the general election so as not to prematurely raise voter emotions and risk interfering with Democrats taking over the Senate.
Nevertheless, as insurance, tell your American friends to make sure Bolshevik Bernie and the other Democratic presidential contenders take a public position on the New Way Forward Act. You know how they love to give stuff away for future votes, so maybe they will promise to upgrade your plane ticket to first class.
This American Mensa member, actor, and former radio talk show host can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org and followed on Twitter at @LanceVoorhees.