Some suggested new categories for the next Oscars

Following cues from school yearbooks, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science just announced this month a new category of award devoted to popular hits, which is to say, those films actually seen by a large chunk of the movie-going public. Their thinking was that more eyeballs would fall on their annual Academy awards, after this year’s Oscar telecast (this past March) chalked an all-time low viewership of just 26.5 million. Past seasons notched audience viewerships twice that and more.

Along this same capture trajectory, we have some surefire suggestions: 

Why not open a category of Harvey Weinstein awards? Movies that would not have been made but for the ‘favor’ of Mr.Weinstein bestowed on cooperative leading ladies?

Slightly less familiar, in a subcategory involving TV-to-celluloid, would be actresses under the care and management of Les Moonves, Chairman of the Board, President and CEO Chief Executive Officer of CBS Corporation. Recently in the news for extracurricular activities. That’s something not everyone would be familiar with, but CBS has mega-millions of viewers, so a  good chunk would surely tune in to see the prizes awarded to recipients of Moonves’ approval. (His colleagues could not be reached for comment.)

Then there’s the brand new, dazzling, Meryl Streep Award: Given to those who most upheld the hypocrites’ silent vow to not tell on those they know to be mogul maniacs, who full-well get that their constant dinner and luncheon companions are keeping company with the unwilling fillies of the dream factory Hollywood stable. One undoubted awardee will be a crowd favorite, Hillary Rodham Clinton, who happily celebrated the donations of and greatly admired Mr. Weinstein for decades, surely aware of his proclivities. (Everyone did, after all.)

Maybe next might be the Michael Jackson Memorial Young Laddie award, given this coming awards season to Kevin Spacey, a nominee in absentia for decades, we hear.

Another award might be the Do You Know Where Matt Lauer’s Today Office Buttons And Automatic Door-lock Are? Matt Lauer, late of NBC, could share honors with long-staple interviewer, PBS eminence gris, in more ways than just the adjectival, Charlie Rose, who entertained special guests, his assistants, and any unexpected female arrives in the altogether, plus all the hundreds of famed and not wholly yet famed actresses within his purview, often subjects.

Not in the same lustrous pantheon of pervs, talented stand-up comedian Louis C.K. kept at a hands-remove from his femme talent, so his award might be a smaller but still graven image statuette. Perhaps he might grace the viewing public with a parting bit or two, as his fans have been starved for C.K. for  many a moon.

These are just the start of a whole new slice of attention-getting awards, many of which have their own keyed-in constellations, but all certain to boost those Neilson digits come the 2019 award season.

Like as not, one reason or t’other, those eyeballs will be back and glued, as it were, to the Awards stage, back where the suits want them.

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