Racism carte blanche

Just when we hoped we might finally be getting past the issue, Palm Springs, California says tamarisk trees are racist, so whoever is running that city is tearing out a row of them that mark the boundary between a golf course and the adjacent black neighborhood.  Since the tamarisk is an invasive species, this is clearly a case of anti-immigrant sentiment taking its hatred out on innocent plants.  Sensitivity training is in order for city denizens and officials alike for this grotesque display of insensitivity, not to mention a settlement of a few million bucks.  That'll show 'em.

If trees can be racist, so can walls.  If you put up a privacy wall, take it down, because racism.  A chain-link fence implicitly accuses your neighbor of wanting to vault the fence, steal your car, and make off to Canada, and that's racist.

Next will be locks on doors, which mean you see your neighbors as threats just because they're black.  Of course, if they're white, you had better lock your doors because statistics show – never mind.  But you really do need to get your mind off race.  Love your black neighbors.  It's illegal to love your white neighbors or your white spouse or your white kids, the latter of which you're supposed to kill to prove you're not racist.

We just have to admit that racism pervades everything in America.  Even pro sports.  We know all about football, but if that's as far as you see your racism, you're just trying to wiggle out of your racial responsibility.  Bogut blocks Kyrie's drive to the hole: RACISM.  White tennis player beats Venus or Serena: racism.  Every white golfer who finishes ahead of Tiger?  Racist.  Got it?  It's most egregious in baseball, where Mike Trout makes a habit of robbing black players of home runs.  It's just not fair.

If you're white, racism is your Original Sin.  Nothing will make it right.  You could give everything you have to black people, make them all wealthier than Oprah, and you'd still be a racist, and they'd still be your victims.  If all whites died this instant, blacks would no less be their victims, always and unceasing, to the end of time, past eternity and beyond forever.  Racism was stitched into the very fabric of whiteness by God Himself.  On the quantum scale.  In other dimensions.  In other universes.  In the singularities at the centers of black holes.  Even the vacuum of space cannot stay the stench of white racism.

Inexplicably, Africans, Haitians, Laotians, Indians, Mexicans – such people literally die to get to America to experience white racism.