National Driver Safety Initiatives

The administration thinks cell phones are a distraction while driving?


But before our President outlaws cell phone use by drivers, he needs to consider taking these few simple additional measures that would really save lives - and save energy, too:

1.) Forbid people from driving with any pet that's not confined to a cage. Cats and dogs are DEADLY in the passenger compartment.

2.) Not allow any passenger to ride in the front seat unless and until ALL the other seats are occupied. It's well known that riding in the front seat is less safe than riding in the back.

3.) Outlaw reading while driving. (Except road signs, of course. Reading these would be mandatory if we could figure out a way to enforce it.)

4.) Outlaw putting on makeup while driving. (Except for transvestites and gay males; they have difficult enough lives as it is.)

5.) Outlaw eating while driving. (Penalties doubled for anyone 20 lb. overweight, tripled for anyone 30 lb. overweight, etc.)

And, while he's seeing to our safety, our Dear Leader ought to take this last step and improve traffic safety in a way more dramatic than all the other restrictions combined:

6.) Eliminate badly planned and wasted car trips, by requiring drivers to get permits in advance whenever they want to use their cars. Simple online applications would be filled out and emailed in, and approvals could be turned around within ten or fifteen minutes. These Trip Permits would save huge amounts of fuel and would mean fewer drivers on the road, fewer accidents, and therefore fewer traffic deaths.

Any citizen opposed to these few, simple, easily implemented restrictions on our nation's clearly out-of-control auto usage is obviously in favor of traffic fatalities, not to mention our longstanding slavery to the oil sheikhs.