Help! My Toyota Is Infecting Me with Swine Flu!

It was a clear sunny spring day and America was still peacefully basking in the afterglow of our first truly historic election. Then American's blood ran cold as televisions across the land blared out the Emergency Broadcast System signal.

Americans were stunned into silent shock as Homeland Security Czar Napolitano stepped to the microphones to announce that a terrorist threat had been uncovered! If memory serves, the dire warning went something along the lines of; "anyone who disagrees with Obama's policies is a racist, homophobic, bitter, crazed war vet, wacko militia member, abortion doctor killing, and radical domestic terrorist."

Then, of course, the head of the Jihadists Criminal Defense Bar, (formally known as the DOJ,) Eric Holder stepped to the microphones to announce that he had solved a mystery that had been plaguing America for who knows how long; "We are a nation of racial cowards," Holder calmly explained. The nation breathed a sigh of relief that this ongoing investigation had finally been solved. Now perhaps, the DOJ could get back to cracking down on terrorists in Christian Prayer Meetings.

Obama's first historic White House Summit was hailed as a wild success. Obama deftly solved the national pandemic of police departments acting stupidly by getting them drunk on beer.

And we were constantly being bombarded with how horrible the economy was! It was an emergency damn it! We need to pass a trillion dollar "stimulus" bill to "jolt" our economy back to life!

"Quickly grab the Treasury Paddles! Clear!" Kaching!

"Nothing Dr Obama!"

"Try again, damn it! Treasury Paddles! Clear!" Kaching!

"Nothing Dr. Obama!"

"Quickly give me 1 trillion CCs of epinephrine and 20 CCs of Blaming Bush! Clear!"

Next, we got the grave news that the Swine Flu was gonna kill us and we all were gonna die. Joe Biden would not, in good conscience, allow his daughters to leave the basement through his secret panel in his kitchen. Next, our gloomy eyed Homeland Security Czar Napolitano flew in from Detroit to go on national TV to calmly explain that Christian Domestic Terrorists would kill you with swine flu unless you warded them off by coughing into your elbow.

Then, of course, the worst news possible! Doctors were caught needlessly cutting out tonsils and feet in an elaborate ponzi scheme to melt the ice caps & kill polar bears, er something!

Next, the evil banks were caught actually paying people to work for them! Everything is seemingly spinning out of control!

Even scarier still, we found out that insurance companies would not insure home owners for fire insurance after their houses caught on fire! Or was that medical insurance?

With all these calamities constantly swirling about in the news, it was hard to keep up with economic news and Obama's plummeting poll numbers. The economy kept losing jobs all year, but we were all reassured that the pace of job losses was unexpectedly slowing. Obama's job approval poll numbers were plummeting, but we were all reassured that, unexpectedly, everybody just loved the job he was doing.

Hey! Look how fast those damn Toyotas are selling! Going pretty fast! I bet because everyone is driving a Toyota they are involved in more crashes. Have the trial lawyers been paid off yet?