Things to Do in the Debate When You're Dead
What happens to a person with severe narcissistic personality disorder when he gets his rear end handed to him after an embarrassing debate drubbing? He gets bozo-ballistic wee-wee'd up about it!
The situation was so tense after the presidential debate in Denver that the larger of the Obama team, Michelle, placed her body between Obama and a surprised Romney -- and glared at the Republican, daring him to step out from behind the podium and lay one more word on her metrosexual man. The Obama anger was palpable. The television cameras didn't show this to you, but the most hysterical image of the political season captured the moment. Internet wags lamented, "If only our military could weaponize that look!"
The future of the United States of America is at stake in this election. The whole world is nervously watching, and many of our friends and allies are rooting desperately for Mitt Romney to save the day.
The twisted sisters at the Taiwanese firm of NMA TV have chimed in, like always: within a day of the debate they had a hysterical animated video posted on YouTube. And it gives a more accurate portrayal of what actually happened than can be had from our reprobate mainstream media.
This video is worth a watch. And so are the future debates.
Unbiased Mainstream Moderators
The Republicans managed to ensure that not a single one of the debates will be moderated by an independent or conservative moderator -- all are hardcore liberals determined to advance the progressive agenda. Do you get the feeling the RNC might not have a clue?
The mainstream media, however, is incensed that two of the moderators aren't progressive enough. Candy Crowley is getting criticism for being a lightweight and for being too fair, neither of which is true. She's a pretty hefty lib. The Gray Lady reported that Jim Lehrer is steaming at earlier suggestions that he was "too boring" and that he should pass the baton to a more worthy, more radical leftist. Stephen Colbert said that Lehrer is "the most boring man in news." This is true.
It is also true that the MSM have been roundly trashing Lehrer for his stunningly weak performance in Denver. No bias there. But once Lehrer's tissue-thin format fell apart, he could never regain control. Romney walked all over him. Obama even blasted Lehrer for stealing five seconds when interrupted for going over time. Lehrer didn't get much respect, nor deserve any.
Martha Raddatz is up next on October 11. She's ABC's senior foreign affairs correspondent and has been around the block a few times, but nobody knows what will happen once we enter the Biden Zone. Expect a doozy: Smilin' Joe Biden vs. Paul "The Terminator" Ryan.
Joe Biden adds an element of surprise and hilarity everywhere he goes. If, as Clint Eastwood says, Joe Biden is the intellect of the Democratic Party, then this matchup will be a slaughter. Even if Biden can get both his brain cells working in unison, he has no chance against the Master Wonk, who will relentlessly tattoo Joe with kung fu statistics and hard-hitting policy ideas. Ryan is going to have Biden blubbering and dribbling all over the stage before the first round is over. I hope we can recalibrate the gaffe-meters, because the cornered and flustered Democrat is going to spew a cornucopia of Bidenisms in an attempt to rope-a-dope Ryan.
Raddatz, for her part, will have her hands full. She's no match for Paul Ryan if he decides to get feisty. And nobody can cover up enough for Joe Biden. I do think Ryan and Biden will be gentlemen, but it's still going to be a goat rodeo. We're going to need a popcorn machine, a keg of beer, and a wide-screen TV for this one.
Candy Crowley enters the ring on October 16 to manage the Democratic Party spin for CNN. She will need all her transcendental meditation skills to survive this matchup. It's in a town hall format, so Obama might do better than he did in Denver. He'd do better still if he had a pulpit to speak from and a church full of black liberation theologists and Occupy communists cheering him on.
My spies tell me that Axelrod is going to have a miniature teleprompter implanted in Obama's head to improve his performance. While there's plenty of room for one, that still won't be enough. You can't defend socialism and suicidal Democratic Party spending policies against the proven strength of capitalism and conservative fiscal management -- and that would be true conservative management, not the RINO or Bush "compassionate" kind. Romney knows the difference.
Bob Schieffer, spinning for CBS, takes the last debate on October 22. Schieffer is a good choice for the progressives. He's one of the meanest liberals in television, and one of most polished practitioners of the art of media spin and disinformation. Schieffer wrote a character assassination book on Ronald Reagan, The Acting President. You can buy the book for one penny on Amazon.com -- more than it's worth. The long knives will be out October 22, and Schieffer will be in Obama's corner. Romney needs to watch his back. Warning bells are going off on this one.
Mark your calendars. If the remaining debates are as entertaining and rewarding as the first one, we can all expect to have a splendid time watching Romney and Ryan clean house and wrap up the election.
The question of whether or not Obama is a master debater has been answered. He's an empty chair. You might want to TiVo these events. Popcorn, beer, and good friends are recommended. Democrats should bring lots of tissue, perhaps a pillow to bite.
We're down to the wire, and it all boils down to how effective the mainstream media will be in spinning the election news and debate outcomes. The undecided voters are the prize in this election, and that's whom the media will go after. But after Romney so thoroughly trounced the teleprompter-impaired Obama in the first round, I wonder how many undecided voters there are left.
J.T. Hatter is the author of Lost in Zombieland: The Rise of President Zero, a political satire on the Obama administration. JT can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.