Rodney Dangerfield Republicans

"I can't get no respect" was the signature line of the late comedian Rodney Dangerfield. Republicans in Congress are getting dissed the day long by President Barack Obama and those mean, old Democrats. But there's hope if they change -- the Republicans, that is.

The first thing the GOP needs to do is declare itself a "terrorist organization." Opening a satellite office in Islamabad or San Francisco could help.

Can you think of a faster way to get respect, conciliation, co-operation and civility from the Democrats? Just ask Ahmadinejad, Assad, Chavez, Kim Jong-il, the Castros, and the rest of the evil-doers.

Turns out that what we have here is a failure to communicate. There's no longer a "global war on terror." It's an "Overseas Contingency Operation" (OCO). How scary is that?

America's foreign policy is becoming grovel, apologize, and appease. OCO reeks of cowardice, and every one of our sworn enemies is savoring the stench.

Admittedly, the Dems' diplomacy does have a first and last resort-talk and threaten to talk more. But the bad guys know that the Dems prefer the death penalty only when they're dealing with the unborn.

The Dangerfield band needs to grasp the "terrorist" reclassification strategy. The Dems would have to reclassify the GOP as the "Homeland Contingency Operation" (HCO). Just as with the OCO, the Dems would go on defense.

Reminder to the GOP-that means you'd go on offense. Consider the possibilities:

  • Obama decides that playing president on the Comedy Club circuit is more fun than the gig in Washington with those riled-up Republicans.
  • Nancy Pelosi is so flustered she starts flying coach.
  • Harry Reid busies himself investigating the effects of boxing on the brain after he completes his wild horse death investigation.
  • Hillary Clinton goes off on a blue state tour blaming America for not electing her president because she would have been nicer to Republicans.
  • Barney Frank leaves to host a new reality show, "Why I Really love Freddie More Than Fannie."
  • Chris Dodd retires to write his memoirs: "Mortgages for Miscreants."

The GOP gets a greeting from Obama with English subtitles:

I want you, the people and leaders of Iran [insert: the Republican Party], to understand the future that we seek. It's a future with renewed exchanges among our people, and greater opportunities for partnership and commerce. It's a future where the old divisions are overcome, where you and all of your neighbors and the wider world can live in greater security and greater peace.

Seriously, GOP: too much of your problem is your own doing. The perception is you lack leadership, principles, planning, focus and resolve. You appear timid, inept, and afflicted with Pillsbury Doughboy Personality Disorder.

TV pitchmen convey more passion and persuasion pitching Sham Wows and Mighty Putty than you do when you're talking about saving America. Learn something from watching a hard-hitting, articulate Brit.

Stop whining about media bias -- deal with it. When you are on TV and radio, drop the Beltway code-speak. There's no way for us to press "1" for English. Get a Web site. Explain your alternatives to Obama's socialism. And then just do it!

When Obama nominates a judge such as David Hamilton to the federal bench, is Arlen Specter, who still brags about defeating the great Robert H. Bork's nomination to the Supreme Court, prepared to lead Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee in tough questioning of Hamilton? Just telling Pat Leahy to delay the hearing or Arlen will be miffed and vexed doesn't cut it.

Specter should ask Hamilton why he ruled that praying in Jesus' name is "sectarian," and, therefore, in "violation" of the Establishment Clause, but praying in the name of "Allah," isn't. But, it does fit well with Obama's OCO greeting card to Iran.

Stop griping about deficit spending when too many of you are doing it. Get your big tent in order. You're taxing us in more ways than one. Your tent is inhabited by liberals who pull up stakes and walk just when you need them, which is all of the time since the election.

Above all, fight for our military. When Obama tells the Department of Defense to make cuts while he's quadrupling funds for failed entitlement programs and ever Green boondoggles, blow the whistle on him, stand your ground, or resign.

Get back to the founding principles that made this nation the envy of the whole earth. Take a break to reacquaint yourselves with the U.S. Constitution and your oath.

Find your spine. While you're at it, find your voice. "For if the bugle produces an indistinct sound, who will prepare himself for battle?"

Heed the words of John Adams:

"Posterity, you will never know what it cost us to preserve your freedom. I only hope that you will make a good use of it. If you do not, I shall repent in heaven that I ever took half the pains to preserve it.

Jan LaRue has written for AT several times.
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