I won! (I just love saying that.) And as promised throughout my historic campaign, I am now reaching out to you Mahmoud, Holocaust denier, funder of terrorism, despotic ruler of Iran. This symbolic gesture of my respect is just the beginning of my grand plan to bolster my rightful place in history.
For while Americans have been deliriously celebrating my election as the first African American President of the United States, Arabs the world over are celebrating the election of the first President of the United States descended from Muslims. And to show my gratitude for the vast support of the Muslim world, I very graciously gave my first media interview on Al Arabiya. I finally felt free to discuss my Muslim roots; the rich ancestry of which I am so very proud.
So now dear friend, feel free to call me by my Allah given name, Barack Hussein Obama. And while I quite enjoyed the citizens of this great country calling me the Messiah, I am absolutely thrilled that I can bring my middle name out from hiding. (Speaking of coming out of hiding, did you see Qaddafi's brilliant analysis of the Mideast conflict in my favorite publication, the fair and balanced New York Times?)
I do hope that all of my fans in the Middle East watched me on Al Arabiya -- I love a big audience. You and I have that in common. The only difference is that I draw my crowds with promises of hope and change and you draw your crowds with promises to nuke Israel. Those little differences in rhetoric are what make the world go round.
Yet I digress. As I said in the interview, I look forward to renewing the friendship that America had with the Muslim world as recently as 20 or 30 years ago. Despite the death of our soldiers in the Somalian intervention, the slaughter of Marines sleeping in their barracks in Lebanon, and the seizure of the US Embassy in Tehran (reminder to self: call Jimmy Carter for additional advice on Middle East policy), I am sure that the Muslim people respected America back then. In order to forge a return to this friendship, I promise only carrots going forward. (I'm saving the sticks for those pesky Republicans -- I'll achieve bipartisanship even if I have to beat it out of them.)
So Mr. President (from one Supreme Ruler to another), I look forward to meeting you without any preconditions, even if you have requirements prior to a get-together. Notwithstanding your pledge to wipe Israel off the face of the map and your funding of terrorist organizations such as Hamas and Hezbollah, America and Iran have a new future as friends and allies.
No need to concern yourself with the Zionist lobby here in the States; I will not kowtow to them as my predecessors have. I've even placed Samantha Power in the State Department to keep Hillary in her place.
And leave the neocons to me. You continue your support of al Qaeda in Iraq. Our good men and women dying in Bush's war serve to remind my constituency that I voted against this war (well, I would have had I been in a position to do so). American soldiers will be vacated from Iraq just as soon as possible and you should feel free to resume your destructive interference in what would have been a future democracy and ally of the US. (Why do we need Iraq when you and I are going to be such good friends?)
I expect you noticed my first executive order closing Gitmo. All of the terrorists will soon be permitted to re-enter the battlefield to continue their jihad. I anticipate that Gitmo's closing, together with my order to protect jihadists from torture even if it would result in information preventing the deaths of US citizens, will appease the lefties like Cindy Sheehan and her cohorts at Code Pink who caused such trouble for my predecessor. (Cindy won't be camping out at my house.)
These preliminary steps were the least I could do for my Muslim constituents. They gave me tremendous support throughout my campaign. All of those phone calls to get out the vote from Palestinians on the West Bank and in Gaza freed up my supporters at ACORN and permitted them to continue with the voter fraud that has been such an important part of my strategy to win.
Speaking of ACORN, I must remember to thank Nancy Pelosi and all of the other Democrats in the House for throwing billions of dollars into my "stimulus" (wink, wink) plan earmarked for ACORN. Just think how many elections they can help rig with all of that money!
Which reminds me that I will need to earmark a nice chunk of change to deal with the global warming that will result from the world exhaling now that Bush is gone (thanks to Hillary for pointing that out). And with promises to make the oceans recede, I'll need billions just to keep the greenies quiet.
But I digress again; I just have so much to be excited about -- a trillion dollar-spending spree Mahmoud! Perhaps you have some suggestions on where I can send some of that cash when I finish socializing America. No more funding of the Zionist entity, however. Those poor Palestinians in Gaza will need to rebuild their tunnels and rearm to protect their innocent citizens. They supported me and I'll be there for them.
Speaking of Palestinians, I sure hope they (and you, my dear friend) like my choice of George Mitchell as special envoy to the Middle East. What a profound insight he had back in 2000 during the second intifada when he concluded that the Palestinian Authority did not have a deliberate plan to initiate a campaign of violence against Israel! My administration will only include advisors who understand proportionality and understand who the real victims in the Mideast conflict are.
So here's my idea for the creation of a Palestinian State and, get this, a Global Islamic State. First we force Israel to allow the millions of Arab refugees to return to the land that the Zionists stole from them. Once we form "Isratine" (so named by our new friend Qaddafi) and those millions of Arabs start procreating within Israel, it will become an Arab state. The great thing about this for you Mahmoud, is that you can save your nuclear weapons for when you really need them. I know you won't use them against America but if anyone else gets in your way....
So my friend, we are on our way to a new alliance. Forget about Vlad and Dmitriy in Russia. We'll be unstoppable and together we will rule the world.
God is great,
Lauri B. Regan is an attorney at a global law firm based in New York City.