The Life of Barry


In entertainment news, it has been confirmed that the surviving members of Monty Python will reunite to film a remake of their classic religious satire, Life of Brian.

The new version will be titled Life of Barry, and will be updated to reflect changing realities since the release of the earlier film in 1979. "Barry will be a messiah for the new millennium," said a spokesman for the troupe. "He will enable us to look at ourselves in a new way, to shine a new light on our beliefs, foibles, and prejudices. He will also stop the oceans from rising, heal the planet, end the war, and restore our country's image as the last, best hope on earth."

AT has obtained a number of pages from the scenario outlining scenes that we can look forward to seeing in the completed picture.

Barry and the Vice-Presidential Candidate taken in Adultery

BARRY comes upon an unruly crowd. He asks an onlooker what is happening.

Onlooker: "They are stoning a vice-presidential candidate taken in adultery."

Barry strides into the crowd and stands before the candidate, who is lying in the street holding up the hem of a robe as protection against the stones. Barry throws his arms wide: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

The angry mob stares at Barry, then drop their stones one by one and walk off, some muttering to themselves. "See what happens to your poll ratings now, fella," one calls back.

Barry turns back to the candidate. Dropping the hem of his robe, JOHN EDWARDS gets to his feet. "Man, you came along just in time."

Barry: "Whoa... I thought you were a chick."

The Miracle of the Fish Bone

A DESPERATE WOMAN approaches BARRY holding a child in her arms. "Messiah," she cries out. "Save my child! She is choking on a fish bone."

Barry gazes pensively at the child then turns to his disciples. They confer for a moment or two. "That's not a child," a disciple insists. "That's a fetus."

At last Barry turns back to the woman. "Sorry ma'am," he says. "That's above my pay grade."

Barry is Tempted by the Devil

SATAN and BARRY are standing together at a high place. Satan waves an arm. "Behold the kingdoms of the earth! All can be yours, if you but do my bidding."

Barry (shielding his eyes): "Hey, isn't that Chicago?"

Satan: "So it is."

Barry: "I can see Tony Rezko's house from here. Now that's a nice-looking place over there..."

Satan: "Yeah... that one's going for a mil-five, but they'll come down."

Barry: "The lot next door go with it?"

Satan (smiling at Barry): "Sure - why not?"

The Miracle of the Votes and Registrations

BARRY is observing the voting on Election Day when he is approached by PETER.

Peter: "Barry, I am sore troubled. Although a host now attends the polling booths, little votes are to be seen."

Barry: "Oh ye of little faith! Go thou unto the disciples, and bid them cast their votes, and behold, they will be multiplied a hundredfold and more."

Peter: "Oh, I get it... but Barry, will this work outside of Chicago?

Barry Enters Washington

Two JUDAEAN PEASANTS approach Pennsylvania Avenue on inauguration day. They are called to a halt by a CENTURION and a SECRET SERVICE AGENT.

1st Peasant: "What is this? Why do you accost us in this manner?"

Secret Service Agent: "The messiah will be passing by on his way to the inauguration."

Centurion (pointing to a herd of asses across the street): "They're changing to the asses when they get here, to ride the rest of the way into town. It's a global warming thing."

1st Peasant: "But I work by the sweat of my brow. I must tend to my crops."

2nd Peasant: "And I my vine and fig tree."

Secret Service Agent: "Just chill. It'll only be a minute."

2nd Peasant (pointing across the street): "But those asses ain't even moving..."

A disciple appears and hands each of the peasants a palm frond.

1st Peasant: "What are these?"

Disciple: "You throw ‘em in the path of the messiah."

1st Peasant: "Under his limo?"

Secret Service Agent (holding a radio to his ear): "Ah! Here comes the messiah now!"

At the cross street a limo appears. But instead of turning, it drives across Pennsylvania Avenue and on out of sight, followed by several other cars. They all gaze after it for a long moment. At last a voice cries out, "Get those asses up to Connecticut Avenue!"

The disciple reappears, snatching the palm fronds from the peasants and running across the street after the braying asses.

Barry in the Oval Office

BARRY is being shown the facilities of the Oval Office by a WHITE HOUSE STAFFER.

Staffer: "...and here's the communications console, and that's the door to the bathroom, and here's the alcove where some presidents... well, you know."

Barry: "And where is the ‘present' button?"

Staffer: "The... what, sir?

Barry: "The button I use to vote ‘present'."

Staffer: "Uhh... there isn't one."

And Barry was struck sore wroth, and the staffer was thrust into the outer darkness, where there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth...

Other scenes will include Barry leading the multitudes in chants of "Yes, we can!", Barry flogging the lobbyists in the temple rotunda, Barry driving the devils out of Nancy Pelosi, the raising of the dead voters, the conversion of Hillary Magdalene, and Barry being tormented by Pilate at the impeachment hearings. ("What is ‘is'?")  

Terry Gilliam will helm. While casting is not yet completed, it has been confirmed that Eric Idle will play Satan, Terry Jones will play Peter, and, though not in the best of health, John Cleese will play Nancy Pelosi. As for Barry, we are reliably informed that Ricky Fataar, who appeared alongside Idle as a member of the Rutles in All You Need is Cash is being seriously considered - that is, if they can get him to trim his dreadlocks.

J.R. Dunn is consulting editor of American Thinker.
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