March 22, 2008
How to Pay for the Dem Convention: Survivor, the Nomination
The Honorable John W. Hickenlooper
Dear Mayor Hickenlooper:
I read that your efforts to raise funds for the 2008 Democratic National Convention are falling far short of your needs, that you will need to raise $40.6 million by June 16 in order to pay the expenses occasioned by the August 25-28 convention in your city.
I am sure you have lots of very good ideas about how to do this, but as an experienced fund raiser myself and as someone sympathetic with your plight, I wonder if I might be so bold as to offer up a few suggestions you may not have considered?
Announce you'll give donors a chance to bid on the right to film the convention as the last, best in the Survivor Contests. There will of course be two tribes: The Obamamites and the Clintonites. And, in keeping with the Survivor series theme, this will be an Immunity Challenge. Whichever team wins will get immunity from what used to be called "The Tribal Council", but which for the sake of clarity I'd call "The Super-Delegates." Whoever wins the contest cannot have super- elegates vote against him/her.
I suppose you think this is a bit over the top, that the candidates will consider this an undignified way to end the nomination process. Seriously: are you kidding? Obama and Clinton have been pandering, making fools of themselves, giving up every shred of personal dignity from sea to shining sea for months. This would be small potatoes compared to what each has already done.
Let me remind you of just a few of the prat falls each have taken on the way to your fair city.
- Kentucky Fried Hillary
- Hillary using a waitress' life story without permission to advance her campaign, stiffing her on a tip and then suggesting her fellow workers must have stolen the money left for her.
- Hillary's fantastical adventures in Bosnia, including spiraling into the airfield under fire.
- Her equally imaginative description of her role in the Irish peace process.
- And her teary eyed performance before the New Hampshire primary. "It's not easy."
- Hillary was for and against drivers' licenses for immigrants in virtually the same sentence.
- Her husband slipped race into the campaign and when called on it said the accusations against him were, "a mugging".
- Hillary accepted a fortune from Norman Hsu and the countless Chinatown waitresses and busboys who never saw that kind of money, never contributed it and often didn't even exist but nevertheless purportedly handed that money to Hsu for her.
- After voting for the war and the surge, Hillary said that to believe General Petreaus would take "a willing suspension of belief".
Obama's been no better .Whenever he gets away from the worshipping crowds and answers any questions or gives an answer not on the teleprompter, he falls flat on his face.
- Remember when he said, US troops were so ill-equipped they had to rely on whatever weapons they could capture from the Taliban?
- He told the voters in Ohio he would substantially alter NAFTA while his campaign advisers were telling Canadian diplomats to ignore that partisan, campaign blather. This from the candidate of hope and change.
- Obama is very concerned about the genocide in Darfur but insisted he'll pull the troops out of Iraq immediately after his election -- indifferent to the likely genocide that would occur if my chance he made good on this promise.
- Obama refused to wear a flag lapel pin which he derided as a cheap symbol of patriotism but stood in a field of 8 American flags when Reverend Wright's hate filled spews against this country, needed a response from him
- Obama said as President he'd speak to Iran without any preconditions, but then refused to appear on Fox news under any circumstances.
- Or how long he dissembled about how much he received and how early from Rezko in campaign contributions; how close was their relationship; how questionable was the real estate deal he entered into with Rezko to purchase his home and adjoining privacy strip of land under bargain terms.
- And then he denied -- but later conceded, hiding specificity under a cloak of vagueness -- the extent of his knowledge of crazypants' Reverend Wright's theology and hate all the while he was the candidate "transcending" race.
- He falsely suggested his grandmother was racist like Geraldine Ferraro-two old white ladies he compared as equal to Wright-- and then, in an effort to get out of that, insultingly said she was just "a typical white person."
Now, Mayor, you know for the sake of brevity, I'm just skimming the surface, and we both know there's a lot more of this to come. But, admit it, after they've gone through all this demeaning pandering and lying, they couldn't do worse if they had to win by eating only bugs, wearing smelly rags, sleeping with snakes and gators and getting nibbled on 24/7 by mosquitoes. I know I'd pay a million bucks to see it, and I bet I'm not alone.