Fortunately, most of us still live in reality, and can recognize that a hulking, grizzled man with a five o’clock shadow and wearing women’s clothing is still very much a man.

However, with Halloween coming up, police in Alabama’s Mobile County were a little thrown off when trying to track down an individual who was caught on doorbell camera footage stealing packages off of a front porch. You see, the person in question was obviously a man, but he was wearing a lady’s v-neck t-shirt, a skirt, and had his shoulder-length blonde hair pushed back with a purple, polka-dotted headband. In fact, the suspect was giving off heavy “it-puts-the-lotion-in-the-basket” vibes:

Alabama “porch pirate” gets caught red-handed after allegedly traveling around with multiple stolen packages!

Police say Todd Bond has been charged with first-degree theft of property and booked into the Mobile County Metro Jail. pic.twitter.com/1cgOdYgbfr

— Daily Loud (@DailyLoud) November 2, 2025

Was he simply dressed up for Halloween? Or was he just a “trans” freak?

The conundrum faced by law enforcement should compel “trans” individuals everywhere into a moment of self-reflection. At the point that what you present to the rest of society can easily be confused with a Halloween ensemble, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate your clothing choices? When your routine, day-to-day outfits resemble a once-a-year event where people publicly don costumes, dressing as characters that they most certainly are not, maybe you’re not exactly normal, and this isn’t expression of your true self but mental illness?

If I were to commit some porch pirate crimes myself dressed as Captain America, would the cops be looking for a member of the Avengers, or a woman wearing a costume? Obviously, that was rhetorical.

Who’s scarier, Buffalo Bill, or Todd Anthony Bond? I daresay Bond, because at the end of the day, at least Ted Levine can acknowledge that Buffalo Bill was just a figment of creative fiction. Here’s an excellent chart, to explain the math behind reality:

Image from Grok.