I’m starting a list, just to make sure that we don’t forget anyone, containing the names of the “celebrities” who promised to off themselves or flee the U.S., in the event of a President Trump victory.

Well, for what are they waiting? Have at it you jackasses, time to get going! Also, where can I tune in to watch the festivities? I kid… kind of.

First up is Rob Reiner, who said he’d “set himself on fire” if Trump wins. Perhaps he’d be so inclined to stage it in Washington D.C., maybe at the Internal Revenue Service building, burning it down too? Oh wait, that’ll be handled by Trump’s “no tax on tips” policy, or maybe even the elimination of federal income tax. Would Reiner be willing to self-immolate at the FDA or CDC? Never mind, that’s what we have Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for! The ATF office? Yikes, how could I forget? J.D. Vance is handling that! As long as I get a front row seat to Reiner’s performance, I’m not picky.

Next we have Stephen King, who declared that if Trump emerges victorious, he will throw himself in a “woodchipper.” Now, with all the rumors (and for libel purposes I’m stressing “rumors”) flying around about King’s alleged sexual preference for and behaviors toward children, I can’t help but wonder if there were an underlying message there. I mean, the woodchipper is the cliché execution method of choice for pedophiles and child molesters, finding its way into countless memes, like the one where the man wonders why his neighbor is putting logs into the “pedo machine.” Of all the ways to off yourself, why did King settle on that one? Did King just expose himself and signal guilt?

Then there was Bette Midler, who shared a picture to social media that showed a bottle of champagne next to a bottle of drain cleaner, with two sticky notes attached signaling which bottle to drink, contingent upon the outcome.

LMAO 😂 @BetteMidler just deleted her account over this. pic.twitter.com/wJ9nkh8Uvj

— Leftism (@LeftismForU) November 6, 2024

Nobody call poison control! (Midler has since deleted her entire X account.)

And I can’t forget Bono, who promised us that he would drive off a “cliff” if things didn’t go his way—could someone help the man out and please get him directions to Colorado’s Million Dollar Highway, or maybe California’s Pacific Coast Highway?

Do these celebs all have Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) orders in place? Fingers crossed!

As far as those who feel like they’ll need to flee now that Trump is headed back to the White House, we can just assume it’s those on the Epstein and Diddy lists, and they’ll be in the market for a place in a non-extraditable location. Good riddance.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of a glutton for schadenfreude.

Image generated by AI.