Merry Christmas: Rand Paul continues the tradition and releases the 2023 Festivus Report, citing $900 billion in waste UPDATED

It’s that time of year again! Time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, gather with family and friends, make gingerbread houses, go Christmas caroling, play in the snow, and… remind yourself how much your government absolutely hates you.

Don’t forget, every holiday season is also time for Rand Paul’s annual Festivus Report, and this year, for the ninth report, Paul highlighted nine hundred billion dollars in waste by the Festivites; from Paul’s opening segment:

This year, I am highlighting a whopping ~$900,000,000,000 of waste, including an NIH grant to study Russian cats walking on a treadmill, Barbies used as proof of ID for receiving COVID Paycheck Protection Program funds, $6 million to promote tourism in Egypt, and $200 million to ‘struggling artists’ like Post Malone, Chris Brown, and Lil Wayne.

Yes, you read that right. Our (literally) good-for-nothing government got us scammed out of our hard-earned money by pictures of knock-off Barbie dolls and AI-generated freakshows. See the pathetically unpassable images below, that could only be verified as “legitimate” recipients by the stupidest and most feckless Festivites on the planet:

Naturally, Festivites entered government because that’s the only environment that props up and feeds non-producers, but this latest crop took things to the next level—they bought themselves a restaurant industry-sized lobster tank.

Yes, the same people who are banning our small household appliances, and demanding we lower our standard of living and forgo modern amenities to stop a climate “emergency,” are buying massive pieces of kitchen equipment so they can dine on fresh lobster. If this weren’t 2023, you wouldn’t believe it.

Of course, those destitute music industry celebrities got a huge piece too, like Post Malone ($60 million net worth) and Chris Brown ($50 million net worth), who both received $10,000,000. 

And unsurprisingly, since Anthony Fauci has been a pronounced blight on the public sector for decades, we saw receipts for a whole lotta nasty animal experimentation. In one NIH-funded study, monkeys were drugged with meth, then tracked with the implanted wires “running ‘subcutaneously from the head incision to the eye orbit, exiting the eye orbit from underneath the upper eyelid.’”

How filthy.

$900,000,000,000 divided by 330,000,000 citizens means each American could have had an extra $2,700 dollars in their pockets were it not for these few unbelievably absurd expenses. If we split the cost by each taxpayer we find that each of us was forced to burn around $5,500 dollars. Of course, those numbers are in reality, much higher when you consider inflation and rising interest rates with a $34,000,000,000,000 (that’s twelve zeros).

Meanwhile, the regime laughs.

UPDATE: The original item included a rhetorical/sarcastic question regarding PETAs whereabouts, but in reality, the organization has an established track record against the instances mentioned, and even has a website dedicated to the abuses committed by the NIH.

Image generated by AI.

If you experience technical problems, please write to helpdesk@americanthinker.com