How to split America when we get divorced
With the deep fundamental and structural differences American culture is experiencing, I'd like to propose divorcing the regressives and going our separate ways. But how to split up the spoils — who gets the kids, who gets what — are the questions. I propose the following split:
Redmerica: We get the entire right half of the country.
Bluemerica: They get the left side.
Right down the middle. That's the hard part, but we'll make it happen.
Redmerica: We get the dirty, polluting coal plants, oil pipelines, electric generators, and gas-guzzler cars and trucks. We also build nuclear power plants.
Bluemerica: They can have the electric cars, charging stations, ESG, twelve-hundred-dollar car batteries, windmills, and hamster wheels inside their Kias.
Redmerica: We will take Trump, DeSantis, Boebert, J.D. Vance, Mike Lee, Cotton, Blackburn, Ernst, Inhofe, Tim Scott, Ben Carson, Noem, Jim Jordan, Eric Greitens, Kari Lake, and Herschel Walker.
Bluemerica: They can have Biden, Harris, Waters, Swalwell, Pelosi, Schumer, Schiff, Comey, Brennan, Clapper, Wray, (deep breath), Newsom, Romney, Richard Blumenthal, Abrams, Hochul, Whitmer, Soros, Boudin, (deep breath), Nikole Hanna-Jones, Bill Gates, Jeff Zucker, Mark Zuckerberg, Ibram Kendi, and anyone named McCain, Cheney, or Obama.
Redmerica: We will be happy to take Dan Bongino, Tom Fitton, Shelby Steele, Tucker Carlson, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Candace Owens, Kurt Schlichter, Judge Jeanine, Victor Davis Hanson, Maria Bartiromo, (deep breath), Thomas Sowell, Clarence Thomas, Ben Shapiro, Mark Levin, Rumble, Locals, One America, FoxNation, Daily Wire, the ghost of Rush Limbaugh, and talk radio.
Bluemerica: They can have CNN, MSNBC, CBS, NBC, ABC, the entire mainscream media, Stephen Colbert, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Sunny Hostin, Twitter, Klaus Schwab, Larry Fink, Facebook, Rachel Maddow, Wikipedia, and all the alleged fact-checkers who rarely get their facts checked.
Redmerica: We will take traditional marriage, childbirth, freedom of worship, free speech, gun rights, merit-based hiring and firing, a powerful non–politically correct military, and colorblindness.
Bluemerica: They can have gay marriage, gay parades, Pride month, abortion, anti-Judeo-Christian sentiment, censorship, a gun-free country, transers in the military, CRT, DEI, SEL, and ESG (worthy of two mentions).
Redmerica: We will take steak, pork belly, rack of lamb, ribs, Cuban sandwiches, egg rolls, hoagies, pizza, mac and cheese, sushi, pho, Caesar salad with anchovies, sticky toffee pudding, and key lime pie.
Bluemerica: They can have their kale, quinoa, spelt, tofu, kombu, hemp, flax, chia, tempeh, vegan "meat," sawdust, and bowel cleanses.
Redmerica: We will take the teaching of reading, American and world history, writing, logic, math, typing, technology, literature, science, biology, music, cooking, honesty, good manners, the classics, and the death toll from socialism and communism.
Bluemerica: They can reap the rewards of CRT, DEI, drag queen story hours, birthing people, chestfeeding, Maya Angelou poetry classes, vagina-worship, how to tear down statues, women's studies, black studies, socialism studies, how to protest but not work, screaming at the sky, and violent revolution.
Redmerica: We will take the American flag, Iwo Jima, D-Day, individual liberty, the Second Amendment, farmers, truckers, police, amber waves of grain, and purple mountains majesty.
Bluemerica: They can have the inner cities, BLM, defunded police, social-worker law enforcement, masking, vaxxing, taxing, streets lettered with BLM and other "art," CHOP zones, shutdowns, high crime rates, gun-free zones, the WEF, the WHO, the EPA, NEA, FBI, IRS, the CDC, and Chicago.
No doubt I have left out some good, some bad, some ugly, but the list has to end somewhere. And some might disagree on which kids we should get, but this is just a start. Consider it a rough draft.
When we're all done splitting this up, we re-elect Trump to run it. Then we build a wall to separate Redmerica from Bluemerica and wait to find out who does better after two years. There is one non-negotiable: they cannot come crying to us when they collapse. They were warned.