How to say your piece and also not get arrested by Joe Biden's Disinformation Board
It's a truism that congenital liars suspect everyone else of lying. The phenomenon's called "projection," and no one's better at it than your classic whiny Liberalanus Americanus.
Now that Democrats and their ilk have cheated and weaseled their way into power, they accuse the opposition of bad faith, which must be corrected by the — dun,dun,dun — Disinformation Governance Board.
Led by the execrable Alejandro Mayorkas, the laughably named Department of Homeland Security is looking to crack down on anyone whose words and thoughts don't toe the official Democrat line.
And if liberals; their media lapdogs; and a lawless, partisan FBI are content to jail, abuse, and prosecute the Jan. 6 protesters, don't think they won't come down hard on you for having the wrong thoughts.
So, as a service to moral, patriotic Americans everywhere, I've developed a system where you can say your piece and not have a heavily-armed SWAT team break down your door the following morning before disappearing you into some dungeon in D.C.
Here's how it works.
You start your opinion by saying, "Republicans say ..."
Then you list some things that are obviously true to sane people.
And you finish by giving an utterly woke conclusion, no matter how idiotic or counter-factual. I call this the CNN Method. Here's an example.
"Republicans say that, based on his son's laptop contents, Joe Biden grifted big bucks from China, Russia, and Ukraine; that his election was illegitimate due to early voting, late voting, ballot-harvesting, unsupervised drop boxes, and potentially millions of illegal aliens and a fair number of dead people voting; and that he's now so senile that he wanders about the stage after giving a speech, trying to shake hands with invisible friends. But I personally think Biden's doing a great job as president, his hair's never looked better, those photos of his son smoking crack with a Ukrainian hooker are classic Russian disinformation, and I sure hope Scranton Joe serves a second term!"
See how easy that was?
You've enlightened the low-information voter with some serious truths, blamed those ideas on evil Republicans, and finished with an über-lame conclusion that protects you from the DGB and their possibly extraterrestrial leader.
Let's do a few more to get comfortable with the CNN Method.
"Republicans say that official White House policies have depressed the U.S. energy industry, thereby raising the price of gas and oil; caused thousands of kids to struggle academically thanks to (not) remotely learning; allowed millions of unvetted illegals to flood the country during a pandemic; and seriously ticked off the only regime that could annihilate us with nuclear weapons. Me, I think Democrats are doing the best they can, and besides, there's not much a president can do about war; inflation; rising crime; immigration; climate change; empty shelves; or a pandemic that came here from Europe, according to Governor Cuomo, who's hopefully considering a comeback."
"Republicans say that asst. secretary of health Rachael (sometimes they call him Richard) Levine is really a man; that he caused thousands of deaths in Pennsylvania by sending COVID patients into nursing homes while taking his elderly mother out of her long-term facility; and that his designation as the first female four-star admiral is a total joke, not to mention that he looks like a three-pound pumpkin in a one-pound sack in his absurd admiral costume. I say Rachael looks pretty darn good in blue, with her long gray locks, groovy cat's eye glasses, and multiple chins. Frankly, I'd like to date her!"
See how easy this is? Blame Republicans and conservatives for speaking the truth, and then claim the opposite to keep the creeps from Homeland Security off your back. Let's do just a couple more to cement this technique in your mind.
"Republicans say Barack Obama hated America; that he started the movement that considers all white people to be inherently racist; that he personally supervised the treasonous FBI/Clinton/DNC attempt to take down candidate and later president Donald Trump; and that he faked caring about the environment while enriching himself sufficiently to buy three mansions, two of which directly abut the allegedly rising oceans. In my opinion, however, Obama was and remains a handsome, caring, and brilliant man — so brilliant that he feared that releasing his college and law school transcripts would shame less intelligent folks, and so dead sexy in his mom jeans that I'd gladly have his love child!"
And last, but not least...
"Republicans say abortion is the killing and dismemberment of defenseless babies in the womb; that it psychologically damages the women who do it; that it discriminates against blacks, who, percentage-wise, have the most abortions; that it totally ignores the rights of fathers; and that, at best, abortions are most unfortunate and should be limited. But I not only am cool with terminating any life in my womb at any time, but also would like to extend the deadline one or two years, see if the infant's worth keeping. And when I get an abortion, I intend to celebrate it, make a TikTok dance video to announce it, or perhaps have a cake made featuring a smiling uterus complete with ovaries and fallopian tubes. I am woman, hear me abort!"
The last example works even if you're not a woman (see Levine, Adm. Rachael). You just pretend to be one, and the powers-that-currently-be will smile down upon you.
Folks, don't let your love of country and lust for truth cause you to get locked away in a grim political prison, your constitutional rights denied while the fake-news media slander you (see protesters, Jan. 6). Blame everything that's crystal-clear for those with eyes to see on those pesky Republicans, and then come up with some lame-o conclusion meant to soothe the lefties in charge, just like how the N.Y. Times or the Washington Post does it.
This will allow you to educate others while hopefully never finding out whether Alejandro Mayorkas is actually a visitor from another planet.
Of course, please don't share this article with anyone. If the Disinformation Governance Board gets hold of it, I'll be sitting in my underwear, puffy-eyed with serious bed-hair, reading politics and drinking coffee when they break down the door at five in the morning. And I'd hate for my family to see a photo of me looking like that on the front page of our local paper. Heck, no one should have to see that.
Hopefully, my loved ones will have the good sense to say, "We categorically reject all of Pete's political views and plan to vote for anyone with a 'D' after zer name in the next election."