The 'so long, Uyghurs, and thanks for all the slave labor' Olympics
It's been a tough couple of years for Americans, what with COVID-19, rising crime, record inflation, and a marble-mouthed grifter with dementia wandering about the White House. There certainly hasn't been much to be happy about.
Even things that used to give us joy, like watching the Olympics and rooting hard for the U.S. of A., no longer do.
Based on the early stats, the winter Olympics currently underway in Beijing, China will be one of the least watched in history. And that's not good for our bruised national psyche.
So as a public service, I'd like to present a series of steps you can take to turn it around. Follow these steps precisely, and the next thing you know, you'll be glued to the tube and rooting strenuously for the red, white, and blue to win gold.
The secret to enjoying these Olympics is pretending.
Pretend you enjoy curling, where some decidedly unathletic competitors flit about the ice, some on their knees, waving precious little brooms to direct the "stone" to its destination. Ditto for cross-country skiing and male figure skaters wearing mascara and sequined costumes.
Pretend to enjoy all the biographical snippets where we learn that little Suzie skied her first downhill at two and started serious training soon after. Marvel at her awful domineering parents; the complete lack of balance in her life; and the ironic fact that like so many elite athletes, Suzie's intellect is inversely proportional to her physical brilliance.
Pretend the games are live, not tape-delayed due to the time difference, and make believe that the announcers are caught up in the moment at Beijing, and not sitting in a warm studio in Connecticut, drinking coffee, eating crullers and giving expert opinion while watching the same TV feed you are.
Pretend NBC, the network broadcasting these games, is not part of the lying, left-wing media so important to the Democrat cause. Forget that NBC would do anything to avoid offending its business partners in China but would gladly slander, defame, and cancel you if you have the wrong political views. It's just like how the network abused and lied about President Trump every single day of his four-year term in office.
Pretend, while watching all the beauty, pageantry, and majesty of glorious China, that it isn't the country that developed COVID-19 in a Level 4 virology lab; loosed it upon the world, killing almost six million people to date; and then lied about it all — with ample assistance from their pals at NBC.
Pretend it's just fine for House speaker Pelosi (D-Botox) to warn American competitors to shut their pie holes regarding China, lest they find themselves incarcerated or worse for exercising free speech. Also, make believe it's not cowardly for U.S. Olympians to quietly obey Pelosi like good little sheep.
Pretend you know nothing about the Uyghurs, a large mostly Muslim ethnic group, currently getting the GULag treatment from their glorious masters in the Chinese Communist Party. And whatever you do, don't make the connection that the Democrats currently driving our country into the ditch would love to do the same kinds of things to their political opponents. See Commission, Jan. 6.
Pretend it's fine for an American-born figure skater, Zhu Yi, to slap her country in the face and skate for China. And take no pleasure that she fell early and often on her little neo-communist bum during a truly pathetic performance.
Pretend that the Brandon administration boldly stood up to the Chi-Coms by staging a diplomatic boycott of the Olympics. Strain hard to act as though you give a rat's patootie that there are no sleazy, corrupt politicians at an athletic competition.
Now, I know I'm asking for a whole Schiff-load of pretending here. But if you think Dr. Rachel Levine, the assistant secretary for health at HHS, is actually a woman, a four-star admiral, or remotely competent, it should be no problem.
Image: Logo via Wikipedia, Fair Use.