(This post is satire.  At least, it's satire for now.)

On February 8, White House press secretary Jen Psaki kept a straight face when she told reporters that the entire United States is a high transmission area and that everyone needs to wear a mask indoors, without any exceptions for natural immunity or vaccination status:

Our guidance has consistently been this: When you are in a high-transmission area, which is everywhere in the country, you should wear a mask in indoor settings, including schools.

Because progressives will continue to cling to their masks the way a toddler clings to a security blanket, it seems as though the right time to start an advice column focused solely on issues related to masks, vaccines, and other COVID stuff.  I think we can already predict with some accuracy the type of letters that will grace such a publication:

Image: Masked man at computer (edited) by prostooleh.  Freepik license.

Dear Masky: Traditionally only the bride wears white at weddings.  Does this mean I can’t wear my white designer diamond-studded mask to my cousin's wedding? —Fauci Fashion Diva

Dear Diva: As long as you're not part of the bridal party, it is acceptable for guests to wear white masks.

* * *

Dear Masky: My husband and I went to an important business dinner, and the boss's wife was wearing the same mask that I was wearing.  It was so embarrassing!  How should I have handled it? —Classless Maskless

Dear Classless: It's humiliating when two women wear identical masks.  In the future, keep a cotton mask with a different pattern in your purse so you can quickly replace one useless mask with another.

* * *

Dear Masky: My fiancé and I are planning a June wedding.  Since the lease on my apartment expired, we are living together — but now he wants us sleeping with our masks on. —Maskless in Seattle

Dear Maskless: Wearing your mask when sleeping shows your full commitment to Dr. Fauci and the Biden administration.  I say, go for it!

* * *

Dear Masky: I am a binary progressive male who is planning to "transgender" to a woman so I can win swimming competitions.  It bothers me when my mother wears a mask that reads "LGB."  Mom insists the "LGB" stands for Liechtenstein, Guyana, and Bangladesh. —Doubting Daughter

Dear Doubting: It seems that a lot of people support those three nations.

* * *

Dear Masky: Like MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace, I am a Fauci groupie.  I spend hours every day on the internet watching his interviews and reading his books.  Is this normal? —Fauci Groupie

Dear Groupie: Yes, being a Fauci groupie is what Democrats mean by "the new normal."

* * *

Dear Masky: My wife and I met while waiting to get our booster shots.  I want to plan a romantic trip.  Where can we go? —Booster Bob

Dear Booster: What could be more romantic than visiting the laboratory in Wuhan, China, where the virus is said to have originated?  Who knows?  You might find a statue of Anthony Fauci in the front of the building.

* * *

Dear Masky: My best friend often wears her mask under her chin.  I told her that the proper way to wear a mask is to cover your mouth, nose, and eyes.  Who is right? —Best Mask Friends Forever

Dear Forever: You are.  Per the CDC (Centers for Dumb Control), masks work best when they cover the entire face.

You can reach Robin Itzler at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com.