Helping people handle the 'forever COVID' future the Biden admin promises
(This post is satire. At least, it's satire for now.)
On February 8, White House press secretary Jen Psaki kept a straight face when she told reporters that the entire United States is a high transmission area and that everyone needs to wear a mask indoors, without any exceptions for natural immunity or vaccination status:
Our guidance has consistently been this: When you are in a high-transmission area, which is everywhere in the country, you should wear a mask in indoor settings, including schools.
Because progressives will continue to cling to their masks the way a toddler clings to a security blanket, it seems as though the right time to start an advice column focused solely on issues related to masks, vaccines, and other COVID stuff. I think we can already predict with some accuracy the type of letters that will grace such a publication:
Dear Masky: Traditionally only the bride wears white at weddings. Does this mean I can’t wear my white designer diamond-studded mask to my cousin's wedding? —Fauci Fashion Diva
Dear Diva: As long as you're not part of the bridal party, it is acceptable for guests to wear white masks.
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Dear Masky: My husband and I went to an important business dinner, and the boss's wife was wearing the same mask that I was wearing. It was so embarrassing! How should I have handled it? —Classless Maskless
Dear Classless: It's humiliating when two women wear identical masks. In the future, keep a cotton mask with a different pattern in your purse so you can quickly replace one useless mask with another.
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Dear Masky: My fiancé and I are planning a June wedding. Since the lease on my apartment expired, we are living together — but now he wants us sleeping with our masks on. —Maskless in Seattle
Dear Maskless: Wearing your mask when sleeping shows your full commitment to Dr. Fauci and the Biden administration. I say, go for it!
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Dear Masky: I am a binary progressive male who is planning to "transgender" to a woman so I can win swimming competitions. It bothers me when my mother wears a mask that reads "LGB." Mom insists the "LGB" stands for Liechtenstein, Guyana, and Bangladesh. —Doubting Daughter
Dear Doubting: It seems that a lot of people support those three nations.
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Dear Masky: Like MSNBC's Nicolle Wallace, I am a Fauci groupie. I spend hours every day on the internet watching his interviews and reading his books. Is this normal? —Fauci Groupie
Dear Groupie: Yes, being a Fauci groupie is what Democrats mean by "the new normal."
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Dear Masky: My wife and I met while waiting to get our booster shots. I want to plan a romantic trip. Where can we go? —Booster Bob
Dear Booster: What could be more romantic than visiting the laboratory in Wuhan, China, where the virus is said to have originated? Who knows? You might find a statue of Anthony Fauci in the front of the building.
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Dear Masky: My best friend often wears her mask under her chin. I told her that the proper way to wear a mask is to cover your mouth, nose, and eyes. Who is right? —Best Mask Friends Forever
Dear Forever: You are. Per the CDC (Centers for Dumb Control), masks work best when they cover the entire face.
You can reach Robin Itzler at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com.