Coming this Christmas, the Juicy Smollett action figure!
Yes, kids, the weather outside is frightful — the temperature in Chicago is in the single digits — but we've got a new toy that's so delightful: the Juicy Smollett, Hate Hoaxer action figure!
The absolute latest in our TOC (Toys of Color) line, Juicy Smollett promises hours of enjoyment playing the victim of racism and homophobia, and he comes with tons of cool accessories like two Nigerian white supremacists who stage attacks against Juicy and wear MAGA hats.
Smollett is a beloved actor by day and a renowned victim by night as he stalks the mean streets of Chi-town, a cell phone in one hand, a foot-long in the other.
His attackers are big, bad, and heavily muscled and come with various accessories with which to demean poor Juicy: the aforementioned MAGA hats, a rope noose like the ones they use on NASCAR garage doors, and a spray bottle labeled "Bleach." (Bleach not included.)
Pull the attackers' strings and tremble as they spout awful indignities like "All lives matter," "Those shoes sure are gay!" and "Empire sucks!"
Then watch in awe as Juicy beats back the Trump-supporters in the dead of night with his delicious roast beef, Muenster, lettuce, tomato, salt, pepper, and mayo on toasted whole wheat!
A lesser man might quit there, but not our man Smollett! Place him back in his luxurious and tastefully appointed condominium and watch as he illustrates America's racist past by placing a rope noose around his neck and giving his armpits a spritz or two of bleach.
Then pull Juicy's string and listen as he tells police his sad tale of woe before calling every media outlet in the country to set up TV interviews.
An extra-special feature of the Smollett figure is the water reservoir in the doll's midsection. Squeeze Juicy gently and watch as he squeezes tears for "Spud" Stelter, shakes and weeps for Joy Reid, and sweats profusely while talking with his bosses on Empire.
Parents, this toy is so durable that nothing can damage it, especially not some leftwing D.A. in the cesspool of corruption that is Democrat-run Chicago.
Give your child a Juicy, and he won't have to watch the mostly peaceful race riots on CNN — he can start his own in the privacy of his own bedroom!
Supplies are limited, due to rampant white supremacy and climate change, so order now!
Help your kids learn to hate America by picking up the phone and ordering the toy every growing liberal should have. Social justice operators are standing by anxiously to take your call.
If you don't call, of course, you're part of the problem.
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