A look ahead: Predictions for 2022
If we thought 2019 was weird and 2020 worse, 2021 was off the charts. What will 2022 bring?
January 1: Americans gladly say goodbye to 2021 yet welcome the New Year with skepticism and trepidation.
January 17: Democratic governors in five states sign legislation in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day making it a crime for a person not to immediately acknowledge the color of any other person with whom he interacts. Punishment for people "of color" (POC) will be waived. Whites, however, will be sentenced to up to $10,000 in fines and/or one year of imprisonment.
January 25: New Barack Obama autobiography hits bookstores.
January 29: Last three Americans abandon their New Year's resolutions.
February 1: The Biden administration celebrates the Chinese New Year. Joe, Jill, and Hunter get take-out kung pao chicken, pot-stickers, and fried rice...and attempt to eat with chopsticks. The president calls Xi Jinping to wish him a happy new year and asks him what his New Year's resolution is. Xi tells Biden it is to take Taiwan. Biden distractedly wishes him good luck and asks him about egg rolls.
February 3: The Democratic Congress passes a bill changing the name of the erstwhile federal holiday "Presidents' Day" to "FDR, LBJ, Jimmy Carter, and Barack Obama Day."
February 12: BLM observes Lincoln's birthday by burning Springfield, Illinois to the ground.
February 21: Americans observe "FDR, LBJ, Jimmy Carter, and Barack Obama Day."
March 3: The Biden administration urges Americans to celebrate "Patrick's Day" on March 17 rather than "Saint Patrick's Day" so as "not to offend the irreligious."
March 17: Americans celebrate Patrick's Day.
April 1: George Soros apologizes for "aiding and abetting, subsidizing and supporting, and encouraging and funding most of the evil that has taken place in the United States and elsewhere in the past several years." Just kidding. April Fools!
April 10: Jeffrey Toobin celebrates Palm Sunday.
April 13: "The Squad" say they refuse to acknowledge Jefferson's birthday, instead calling it "Oppressors' Day."
April 15: The Squad, with the approval of many other Democrats, announce that they do not recognize "Good Friday," noting that not only is this a blatantly Christian attempt to "steal a day from everyone else," but it also "otherizes" those who prefer "bad" Fridays and evil things in general.
May 8: The first ever "Birthing Persons Day" is observed, after the Democratic Congress passes a law mandating the change from "Mother's Day," an archaic term and holiday that had somehow survived for 108 years.
May 10: Barack Obama releases new memoir. His sixth.
May 30: Memorial Day observed in the United States. Americans soberly reflect on the many who have died at the hands of the imperialistic, colonizing U.S. military, white supremacists, and an equally racist police force.
June 1: The start of PRIDE! month! The most wonderful time of the year!
June 14: Flag Day, on which all Americans pledge allegiance to the LGBTQIA+ community and its various flags.
June 18: Juneteenth Day in 13 states!
Fathers' Day "Sperm Providers' Day." But, more importantly, a Juneteenth holiday!
June 20: Juneteenth observed day off. A federal holiday, even though it doesn't fall on a "teen" day.
July 4: Americans bow their heads in shame at what is now commonly known as "Oppressors' Day."
July 19: Former president Barack Obama releases his seventh memoir. Refers to "me," "myself," and "I" 13,928 times in 478-page book.
July 31: Hillary Clinton announces she will run for president in 2024.
August 1: Former president Donald Trump announces he will run for president in 2024. Calls Hillary "washed up old crone" whom he "could beat again with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back."
August 21: The Biden administration and Dr. Fauci announce that, due to the coronavirus sigma variant's rampage around the country, Americans will, unfortunately, have to quarantine until at least 2025.
September 5: Americans bow their heads in shame at what used to be called "Labor Day" and is now referred to as "Capitalist Oppressors' Day." Almost one third of Americans vow to never be taken advantage of/work again.
October 10: What was once deemed "Columbus Day" is now known as "The Day of Unspeakable Crimes of Which We Dare Not Speak." Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.) takes to the House floor to issue an impassioned speech in which she says the discovery of America was "the single worst thing that ever happened to the planet."
October 31: Countless Americans walk around their neighborhoods in disguise, going door to door looking for a handout, some claiming they will offer "tricks" if they are properly rewarded. Yet most Americans easily recognize them as the Democratic politicians they are.
November 24: "Thanksgiving Day" is no longer observed. By presidential decree, "Grievance Day" has taken its place.
December 6: New Barack Obama autobiography released to booksellers nationwide.
December 7: "Some People Did Something to Cause Multiple Boat Accidents in Hawaii a Long Time Ago Day" is observed by some people in the U.S.
December 25: "Christnomas Day." Democrats say iconic original designation of American holiday not at all different from "Muhammadmas Day" or "Satanmas Day," so offer a satirical Latino version implying we should no longer celebrate "Christmas."
December 27: China annexes Taiwan. Biden administration cautions Americans against engaging in anti-Chinese bias, releases "anti-bigotry stimulus" funds to all Chinese restaurants in the United States.
December 28: Iran announces it now has a nuclear weapon and threatens to use it to "wipe Israel off the face of the Earth." Biden administration warns nation against anti-anti-Semitic bigotry.
December 29: Russia invades Ukraine. Biden administration threatens to cut off all sales of "Spam" food products to Russia, and also ban all performances of The Nutcracker in the U.S. for five consecutive years.
December 30: Rapture occurs.
December 31: World ends.
Image via Pixabay.
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