Woke apps to enhance your phone's social consciousness
Here are a baker's dozen ideas for smartphone apps the busy communist can't do without. It's amazing they aren't available for download already.
PCmojis — Automatically adjusts skin tone of texted emojis to your ethnicity, as measured through a built-in phone camera. Never be accused of racism again! Upgrade to override with the race you identify as.
Find My Fellow Travelers — Accesses online database to locate like-"thinking" people wherever you are so you can flock together for protests or weekend looting sprees.
Fake Voters R Us — Remotely registers you to vote in hundreds of racist (Republican) precincts across the nation, and electronically sends mail-in ballots filled out for the Democratic candidates to the proper county clerks.
Gender Senders — Never misgender anyone again, no matter how confusing the visual appearance. Preferred pronouns of fellow subscribers are displayed on your phone screen to prevent embarrassing (and employment-threatening) faux pas.
Offend-o-matic — Feeling offended, but not sure exactly why? No problem! This app generates reasons to be offended in any situation. Just enter a few parameters (white people present, employer requiring you to be on time, etc.), and a menu of microaggressions is displayed for you to choose from.
Cancelitis — Having trouble keeping up with who's been canceled and which celebrities you can still enjoy safely? This app maintains an hourly updated record of who's been canceled and will post your public vilification of canceled people to all social media venues. An upgrade will let you suggest wayward celebrities for cancelation.
Progressivist Mutual Insurance — Ensure the protection of your life and business with this app, which identifies you as an ally. Antifa Maps highlights your address as a no-go zone to be avoided by spontaneous wealth redistributors.
Socialist Credit — Want to up your social credit score? This app shows you how to add an average of 20%, through political contributions, approved social media posts, weekly vaccine booster injection shots, and many other progressive activities.
Doxstation — Out for a night of activism, but don't know whom to harass? Part of the Antifa Maps suite, this app locates racists (Republicans and concerned parents) in any neighborhood. Also highlighted are nearby retail establishments where you can find needed supplies like spray paint, bullhorns, and milkshakes.
Transylvania Twists — This app provides an extensive menu of filters that allows your image to appear as what you identify as. Facetime and Zoom call as a male, a female, a shemale, black, white, brown, polka-dotted, an alien, Robbie the robot. The reality of your birth (or your species) no longer interferes with your self-image.
Migrant BnB — Want to help out the next migrant caravan steaming for our southern border like a juggernaut? Have a spare room or garden shed going to waste? This app coordinates through a coalition of nongovernmental agencies to route undocumented
cheap labor refugees to your address. Also automatically registers them to vote. Upgrades carve off a percentage of any government benefits the migrants mowing your lawn and cooking your dinner are due.
Nopropriation — Just enter your ethnic and cultural background and this handy tool will map out which food, language, apparel, and behavior you are allowed to enjoy. Upgrades let you help your friends and neighbors stay in their pre-determined lanes as well.
Stoolypalooza — Encountered a racist unmasked, reading the wrong book, thinking the wrong thoughts? With this app, you can report him to an online database, which is shared with the Democratic Party, Antifa, AOC, and the Chinese Communist Party. It all adds up, and he will be dealt with.
A. Welderson wishes to remain anonymous, preferring morning coffee not fortified with the saliva of some triggered SJW barista. Fame is fleeting; hepatitis is forever.
Image via Max Pixel.
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