Pentagon investigates self, finds no crime

Fresh off their recent success in fleeing Afghanistan with their tails between their legs, leaving hundreds of Americans and billions of dollars in arms and munitions behind, the Pentagon was in a celebratory mood and decided to drone some ISIS-K terrorists.

Despite ISIS-K sounding made-up, like some long-ago breakfast cereal of my youth, the Pentagon nevertheless thought we should fry a few of them, perhaps to obscure the nauseating stench of America's entire mishegoss in Afghanistan.

So the best and brightest among us decided to rain hellfire on a car in Kabul, reducing the occupants to greasy spots and causing the world to sit up and take notice of America's righteous wrath.

General Mark Milley, the beribboned chairman on the Joint Chiefs, declared the attack a "righteous strike" that probably saved U.S. troops from another terrorist attack — like the one at Kabul Airport that Milley and his pals in "intelligence" failed to stop.

Sadly, it turns out Gen. Milley and his drone operators were too busy worrying about climate change and white supremacists in the military to properly verify their target.  He and his boys had, in fact, obliterated a car containing Afghan aid workers and seven children.

The world, especially China, Russia, and Iran, surely had a long, hearty laugh at American "over the horizon" prowess.  The only ones not laughing were the world's children, who will be playing inside for the foreseeable future.

Still, this is the United States of America, a nation of laws, morality, and integrity.  And a thorough and robust investigation into the needless killing of those Afghani innocents was certainly in order.

So the Air Force inspector general, Lt. Gen. Sami D. Said, interviewed all those involved, read all the intelligence assessments, and studied every single procedure that was in place at the time of the drone strike.

Yesterday, after much study and deliberation, Lt. Gen. Said finally came out with his report on the awful incident.  Allow me to paraphrase what Said said.

Mistakes were made, info was off, coulda happened to anybody!  Of course, no laws were broken, no one will be penalized or held accountable.  It was just a one-in-a-million mistake.

When pressed on what changes needed to be made after the needless slaughter of civilians, Said said, and again I paraphrase:

Put procedures in place, enhanced intelligence sharing, yada, yada, yada, reviews and assessments, etc., etc.

In summation, the Pentagon investigated its wayward attack on innocent Afghani citizens; found absolutely no one culpable; and concluded that all that was needed was more assessments, procedures, and protocols.  By finally putting the whole nasty business to bed with the inspector general's report, the Pentagon can now go back to its most critical mission: fighting climate change and purging the military of Trump-supporters.

Image: National Archives.

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