Saint Greta speaks

Teen climate zealot Greta Thunberg raised some eyebrows last week when she tossed an f-bomb in a video she posted Saturday to commemorate the International Day of Biological Diversity.  (Something I've admittedly never heard of.) 

"Our relationship with nature is broken," Saint Greta flatly stated.  "But relationships can change.  If we don't change, we are f‑‑‑‑‑."

Primarily known for her astounding expertise on climate change and fossil fuels, the 18-year-old Swedish activist has expanded her wealth of knowledge to include medicine, agriculture, and forestry.  "Millions have died from COVID-19, Zika, Ebola, West Nile Fever, SARS, MERS," Saint Great advised.  "Up to 75% of all new diseases come from other animals.  Because of the way we farm and treat nature, cutting down forests and destroying habitats, we are creating the perfect conditions for diseases to spill over from one animal to another and to us.  The next pandemic could be much, much worse.  But we can change." 

Saint Greta didn't stop there.  She also displayed her expertise in nutritional science, issuing an edict on how her subjects should eat.  According to Greta, switching to a plant-based diet could save up to eight billion tons of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere annually.  Add that to the total elimination of the fossil fuel industry, her long-stated primary goal, and all living beings may not be totally extinct by 2030.  Pretty impressive for someone with a ninth-grade education, Asperger's syndrome, clinical depression, OCD, and selective mutism.  Makes me somewhat ashamed of my college diploma, a worthless piece of paper that can't even protect me from my inherent whiteness, let alone the destruction I cause with every bite of filet mignon!  Thank God for the likes of Saint Greta Thunberg, whose profound intellect helps protect fools like me from ourselves! 

While Greta's profanity is viewed negatively by certain members of the Great Unwashed, the truly enlightened understand where she's coming from.  After all, with the entire planet facing imminent collapse, the ignorant masses — you know, capitalists, conservatives, climate change–deniers, Trump-supporters, racists, people who eat meat and drive gas-powered vehicles, etc., etc., etc. — sometimes need to be slapped in the face to get a true dose of reality.  

Who better to prescribe that essential medication than Greta Thunberg, Patron Saint of the Hysterical Left?  If we'd come to our collective senses and follow Saint Greta's simple formula for positive change, we can avoid certain disaster and truly live in utopia!  Imagine yourself and your loved ones gathering berries and nuts and returning to your grass hut, and...gathering berries and nuts and returning to your grass hut.

Image: Anders Hellberg.

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