Timber! It's time to chop down woke Oregon's trees
This United States of America, the idealized beacon of hope for the free world, has failed miserably in its promise to become the land of liberty and justice for all. The nation's trees have created a mere mirage of beauty and natural grace; their green leaves and dancing branches serve as duplicitous devices that hide the dark truth of their complicity in the country's ugly racist past. How horrific that Oregonians, in particular, must manage guilt associated with institutional racism that is triggered by their state's towering trees. How preposterous that evergreens could be considered for Portland's Ida B. Wells-Barnett High School mascot so they may perpetuate the pain associated with their historic link to lynching, a mob-style administration of justice that took the lives of even more whites than blacks in the state.
Oregon's Douglas firs, red alders, hemlocks, and bigleaf maples are harbingers of distress. Stark reminders of humanity's murderous prejudice and limitless greed, these trees carpet the earth and purify the air, all the while echoing guilt, guilt, guilt as they cry out from drought, disease, flooding and fire. The prodigious number of trees in Oregon's forests; therefore, must be repurposed for the greater good of the state and the nation. It is time to clear cut forests; chopping down all of the state's trees will ensure that there will be no ugly mascots to marginalize the tragic murders that occurred on their branches. Ultimately, this brave endeavor will bring a richness never before experienced in the Beaver State and the rest of the country.
Oregon will quickly replace the sound of crackling branches with a ka-ching! when the Chinese purchase the state's conifers for pulp. The lucrative sale of Oregon's oak and white ash hardwood to China will pump money into the American economy and offset the costs of improving the infrastructure when the Biden administration's tax hikes prove insufficient. Oregonians will also be able to take pride in the fact that they are helping China to secure raw materials for its people's burgeoning furniture, wood flooring, and plywood demands while preventing the sleeping giant from taking predatory measures to deforest other nation's woodlands. Indeed, Oregon residents will be performing a soul-cleansing service by selling the state's natural resources to China, a nation that stealthily chooses indoctrination, sterilization, and extermination of its minorities rather than openly allowing a barbaric act of assigning a woke symbol that could conjure up distressing reminders of Tiananmen Square or other massacres that bloodied its borders.
Felling trees will also establish Oregon as a major player in the international fuel wood market for 2021. Russia, the leader in this industry, will find itself challenged by a formidable competitor. Such a venture will empower Oregonians to forge international friendships and to help improve the U.S. gross national income via sales to India, one of the largest consumers of fuel wood in the world. India's new stockpile of wood charcoal, chips, pellets, and sawdust will warm the hearts and homes of that country's rural poor. In turn, America will be able to negotiate stronger international alliances and secure its role as a global superpower. There will be no more jokes in America about money going up in smoke from stimulus checks and trillion-dollar infrastructure budgets; indeed, fuel wood profits will replenish Oregon's and national coffers and keep America's spirit and finances burning.
As a dendrophile, it brings me no joy to offer these suggestions. I do not reside in Oregon, and I have nothing to gain by chopping down Oregon's trees. As an American, however, I must propound this heartfelt solution to the Oregon mascot dilemma. Life is an arduous journey, and we must find ways to increase our revenue so we can balance our budgets and provide relief to hardworking Americans who have been crushed by COVID and its associated quarantines. More importantly, we must no longer tolerate any statues or monuments, whether they are enshrined in marble or living high above us as trees, that divide our nation and compound our grief. There is no reason for woke Oregonians to carry the burden of guilt prompted by the racist acts of their predecessors, and in order for them, as well as all Americans, to live freely, happily and justly, there is one viable solution. The state's trees must go.
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