How to survive the riots if President Trump is re-elected
Many, including me, are willing to bet the house that Donald Trump will be re-elected, either on November 3 as the clock nears midnight or several days or weeks afterward, when the Supreme Court finally stops the Democrats from "finding" and counting additional ballots for Sleepy Joe.
Do realize, however, that in the event of a Trump victory, that house you just bet with will be gravely endangered, as will your business, your livelihood, and even your personal safety.
Don't let your house look like this. (YouTube screen grab, cropped.)
Lunatics under the best of conditions, liberals and leftists have already promised mostly peaceful rioting and socially just attacks on Trump-supporters if The Donald prevails.
So if you don't want your home or business burned to the ground with you in it simply because Trump won, there are several steps you must take now.
Like bulls, libs are enraged by the color red. So now is the time to put away all your red Trump signs and paraphernalia, not to mention anything red like, say, a St. Louis Cardinals baseball cap. Let's face it: the 2020 electoral cake is already baked; leaving that Trump sign on your lawn won't change any minds. But it will make your home an easy target for anarchists, arsonists, and Antifarians.
And though libs are none too bright, making critical decisions based solely on emotion and dopey slogans, some of them may remember that you once had a Trump sign in your yard or wore a MAGA hat around town. Some protective camouflage is certainly in order.
Get some poster board and colored markers and make some yard signs to fool the leftist tools who'd do you harm. Any foolish sequence of thoughts will work, like Black Lives Matter, Love is Love, and Hire People with Hooks. Or When It Comes to Hate, Many Are Called but Few Are Chosen. Almost any idiotic sentiment will work; it needn't make sense.
If you live in an overwhelmingly Democrat neighborhood, a temporary chain-link fence with a couple of large Dobermans running free behind it may be required to keep you safe.
If, sadly, you live in a Democrat-run city, election time would be the perfect time to take that much deserved vacation in the Florida Keys. But do check your homeowner's or renter's insurance policy before you board that plane, and make sure the coverage is solid and your premium's up to date.
If you plan on driving in a blue state after the election, you've got to protect yourself from the vicious mobs who'll be blocking streets and highways in protest. God knows the police won't protect you.
One way to go would be to spray paint BLM or Strength in Diversity in letters two or three feet tall on your hood or trunk. Sure, you'll need a costly paint job after things eventually calm down, but that's better than getting Reginald Dennyed by some social justice sociopaths.
Or, if you refuse to bow before the left-wing mob, a couple of bazookas mounted on your car roof, a la Mad Max, would certainly gain you safe passage. If bazookas are unavailable, some flamethrowers would work just as well.
And if, for some reason, you've been considering bulletproof glass for your ride, now is the time to make that investment. A "cowcatcher," the pointy thing on the front of old-fashioned locomotives, would also be a welcome addition to your vehicle so that when you're surrounded by mostly peaceful protesters bearing bricks and Molotov cocktails, you can hit the gas and merely deflect the soy boy marauders without killing them.
Should President Trump be re-elected, there will also be lots of Twitter-happy leftists ready to cancel your business or livelihood if they think you personally supported him. So learning leftist lingo and utilizing it is a must.
Let's say a client or a customer or a patient says, "I gave to BLM. Did you?" You might be tempted to tell him to take a long walk off a short pier, but don't. Simply take his bid, then up the ante. "Sure, I contributed to BLM," you say with a smugness only social justice warriors can manage. "But I also gave an entire month's salary to TLPIW, Transgendered Little People in Wheelchairs!" No one can top that.
Or you could just keep it simple, like, "Trump's so racist and divisive that I had to stop working and go on SSI disability!" Libs love welfare and disability recipients; if you really sell your victimhood, they might just slip you a twenty or even invite you over for dinner. Of course, if they do, you can forget about a nice steak dinner, since cow farts are clearly ruining the planet.
Worst of all, the caring, deeply concerned, arugula-loving twits on the left will be crying, wailing, gnashing their teeth and rending their garments should the Donald prevail in November. And looking to knock the snot out of anyone who didn't vote for a corrupt senile swamp rat who spent most of the campaign season hiding out in his basement watching This is Us reruns.
The first line of defense would obviously be packing heat, although you saw what happened to Kyle Rittenhouse. Unless you know or are a terrific criminal defense lawyer, in this way lies danger now that cops in Democrat locales generally ignore the perpetrator and instead, arrest the intended victim. A better choice would be to mimic the armadillo, or if you prefer, the typical Islamic garb for women in the Middle East.
Yep, I'm talking burqas, burqas made of Kevlar with bullet-proof eyeglass. Liberals will take down Christians in a heartbeat, and Jews, fuggedaboutit! But as Barack Obama demonstrated, dropping pallets of cash in Iran in the dead of night and allowing ISIS to create a caliphate spanning Syria and Iraq, libs give a wide berth to Middle Eastern Muslims no matter how vile. Wear a carbon fiber-reinforced burqa and you're safe. A paper face mask, of course, completes the disguise.
While Donald Trump's continuance as president is the only thing standing between us and Democrat/Deep State tyranny, we can expect the left to take their infantile, albeit felonious and homicidal, behavior to new depths should he prevail in the next election. Best to celebrate using your inside voice and otherwise pretend you're one of them.
Otherwise, you just may inherit the Earth. Right in the mouth.