New York's mayor teaches residents how to use toilets, forbids meat to schoolchildren

New York City is broke, its murder rate increasing, its productive citizens fleeing — but never fear, New Yorkers: your mayor and possible presidential wannabe, Bill de Blasio (D), is on the job for the city's really important problems.

Using the toilet properly is so necessary for the safety of New York's innards, according to His Mayoralty.

You, in the full flush of adulthood (I couldn't resist), obviously know more than the average sophisticated New Yorker, but the city has a helpful website — "Trash it. Don't Flush it." — with detailed instructions on proper disposal of all the trashy items, including fatbergs, that it regards too bad for New York's delicate toilets and sewer system.

Easing New York toilets' waste content problems even further while improving its air, the mayor announced "no meat for you on Mondays" for its public school students.

[A]ll New York City public schools will have "Meatless Mondays" beginning in the 2019-2020 school year. The program, which was first piloted in 15 schools in Brooklyn in Spring 2018, will provide students with healthy, all-vegetarian breakfast and lunch menus every Monday.

"Cutting back on meat a little will improve New Yorkers' health and reduce greenhouse gas emissions," said Mayor Bill de Blasio.  "We're expanding Meatless Mondays to all public schools to keep our lunch and planet green for generations to come." ...

"Meatless Mondays are good for our students, communities, and the environment," said Schools Chancellor Richard A. Carranza.  "Our 1.1 million students are taking the next step towards healthier, more sustainable lives.  Our students and educators are truly leaders in this movement, and I salute them!" ...

"Reducing our appetite for meat is one of the single biggest ways individuals can reduce their environmental impact on our planet," said Mark Chambers, Director of the NYC Mayor's Office of Sustainability.  "Meatless Mondays will introduce hundreds of thousands of young New Yorkers to the idea that small changes in their diet can create larger changes for their health and the health of our planet."

But according to New York's most famous member of Congress, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-no kids ever), the world is "gonna end in 12 years," so kids: enjoy yourselves while you can — eat the meat and flush the toilet, and to hell with the city's constantly breaking down infrastructure.

Or, to paraphrase Democrats, your body, your toilet, your choice.