Is Elizabeth Warren having an extramarital affair with New York Magazine?  I ask only because NYM just published a 7,200-word opus that reads like a deranged love letter to the American Native senator from Massachusetts, seeking to turn an old, wrinkled leftist with even older, more wrinkled leftist ideas into the fresh young face for America in 2020.

So you don't have to read the article for yourself, I have summarized the lowlights:

1. The article opens with a giant photo of Elizabeth Warren's geriatric fist raised proudly into the air.  Every tendon and ligament is tautly on display.

2. As if realizing that age (currently 69) could be a vulnerability to Warren, the article shows her running, partially in midair, as if this were a photo shoot for the pilot of The Bionic Woman: 40 Years Later.

There she was, jogging 75 yards down a hill in open-toed mules, her aqua cardigan flying behind her.  Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren is in constant motion.  She often takes stages at a run, zigzagging around the edges of crowds, waving and giving high fives like Bruce Springsteen.  Speaking to groups of supporters, she rocks on her feet, or rises to her tiptoes, with feeling[.] ... She'll beat her chest for emphasis[.] ... One afternoon in Nevada ... she kicked her feet out in front of her with such force that I feared she'd tip over backward.

It's laid on so thick that it sounds as if Warren is running for the Olympics, not the presidency.

3. Warren called for replacing ICE with something that reflects "our morality."  Apparently, our morality doesn't include having a border or stopping illegal aliens, human-traffickers, or drug-traffickers.

4. The article notes that Warren used to be considered "untenably far left," but that is now the mainstream of the Democratic Party.  That's 100% correct.

5. Warren wants to "stem" the "opioid crisis."  How do you "stem" drug addicts?

6. Warren wants "single payer" health care, which has brought the joys of waiting lists to millions of Canadian and British sick people.

7. Warren wants to "alleviate consumer debt."  All debts are forgiven!  This from a law professor who taught bankruptcy law and should know better.  What the reader may not know is that Warren's specialty was not economic bankruptcy, but the moral kind.

8. Warren wants to shrink the gender and race wage gaps but doesn't explain how the process would apply to her.  If Warren is 99.95% white and 0.05% American Indian, would the government subsidize her wages or tax them more?

9. Warren wants to stop putting "kids" with narcotics in jail (they are all kids) and instead put the "bankers" who finance the drug trade in prison.  Wouldn't it be simpler just cut to the chase and put white men above a certain income bracket in prison?

10. Warren wants to amend the Constitution to give "eligible Americans" the right to vote.  When Warren says "eligible Americans," I assume that this has something to do with illegal aliens, and possibly entire populations of other countries.

11. Warren, who somehow made $15 million on a professor's salary, says, "The rich get richer, and everyone else eats dirt."

12. Warren says she cares about "reproductive justice"; does this mean she wants babies to get a trial before they are aborted?

13. The article conceded that Warren, an old white woman, will have to endure unflattering remarks that she is simply Hillary Clinton without the muumuu.

14. Warren wants to expand Social Security but will need to hurry to do so before the program goes bankrupt.

15. Warren would never, ever try to use identity politics to get elected.

During her first Senate race, when Warren met little girls on the campaign trail, she began a practice of kneeling down to say: "My name is Elizabeth and I'm running for the United States Senate because that's what girls do."

Okay, maybe she would.

16. Warren says that men can be useful slaves to the cause.

"Women," she says reverentially.  "And friends of women – that's what we're now calling you guys."

17. Warren has a puppy she loves; enjoys shopping at Target; tailors her own clothes to save money; and, except for her 15 million dollars, identifies with every middle-class American struggling to make ends meet.

"You know what I love to do?" she offers.  "I love to go to Target with Amelia and just spend the day there."  You spend six hours at Target? asks a staffer who's there to accompany us to Natick.  Warren looks up, surprised.  "Well, not just at Target.  We go to BJ's... Then I get the socks I like at Macy's."

I shook my head as I read all this.  Even the most skilled propaganda cannot turn a pumpkin into a fancy coach.  I'll be sure to tell the senator that the next time I see her at Target.

Ed Straker is the senior writer at Newsmachete.com.

Image: Edward Kimmel via Flickr.