Which news stories will win Trump's First Annual Fake News Awards?
President Trump will on Monday grant awards to those news organizations who, through the tradition of excellence in the reporting of fake news, conform to the highest standard of dishonest reporting.
What news stories of the past year do you believe deserve consideration? Remember: this can't be any run-of-the-mill fake news; it has to be fake news of the highest quality, in the best tradition of elite journalism at outlets like CNN and The New York Times.
Here are some of my nominees:
1) The Golden Showers story. The story that Trump went to a hotel in Moscow and hired prostitutes to urinate on a bed that Michele Obama once slept in.
2) Trump eats McDonald's because he is afraid of being poisoned.
In a preview of his tell-all book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, journalist Michael Wolff claims that Trump's "longtime fear of being poisoned" has affected his dining choices.
It's "one reason why he liked to eat at McDonald's – nobody knew he was coming and the food was safely premade," Wolff wrote in New York Magazine on Wednesday.
3) Hillary Clinton will win the 2016 elections by a landslide. Hillary Clinton had an over 70% chance of winning, according to the reputable FiveThirtyEight website. Other websites gave her even higher odds.
4) Trump never wanted to be president.
His ultimate goal, after all, had never been to win. "I can be the most famous man in the world," he had told his aide Sam Nunberg at the outset of the race. His longtime friend Roger Ailes, the former head of Fox News, liked to say that if you want a career in television, first run for president. Now Trump, encouraged by Ailes, was floating rumors about a Trump network. It was a great future. He would come out of this campaign, Trump assured Ailes, with a far more powerful brand and untold opportunities.
"This is bigger than I ever dreamed of," he told Ailes a week before the election. "I don't think about losing, because it isn't losing. We've totally won."
5) Trump colluded with Russia...to do something...I'm not sure of.
6) Trump has banned Muslims from entering America (except from Egypt, Saudi Arabia, India, Malaysia, Indonesia, and a few dozen other countries).
"When Donald and Ivana came to the casino, the bosses would order all the black people off the floor," Kip Brown, a former employee at Trump's Castle, told The New Yorker for a 2015 article. "It was the eighties, [and] I was a teen-ager, but I remember it: they put us all in the back."
Trump allegedly disparaged his black casino employees as "lazy" in vividly bigoted terms, according to a 1991 book by John O'Donnell, a former president of Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino.
"And isn't it funny[?] I've got black accountants at Trump Castle and Trump Plaza. Black guys counting my money! I hate it," O'Donnell recalled Trump saying. "The only kind of people I want counting my money [is] short guys that wear yarmulkes every day."
"I think the guy is lazy," Trump said of a black employee, according to O'Donnell. "And it's probably not his fault because laziness is a trait in blacks. It really is[;] I believe that. It's not anything they can control."
8) Trump hates Jews (except, presumably, his daughter; his son-in-law; his grandchildren; his Treasury secretary; and the people of Jerusalem, who are naming a train station after him).
9) Trump drinks twelve cans of diet cola every day.
10) Trump is so afraid of germs that he has to drink through a straw.
Donald Trump has said he is a germaphobe [sic] who washes his hands frequently throughout the day and needs to drink through a straw because he wants to avoid contamination.
"I'd prefer drinking through a straw if I'm going to a restroom," he said.
Stern asked: "Because you are afraid that the glasses can be contaminated?"
"They certainly can be," Trump replied.
What "news" story do you think will win Trump's highest award for fake news?
Ed Straker is the senior writer at Newsmachete.com.