Introducing 'translesbians': Heterosexual couples disguised as lesbians

Most people can't appreciate the difficulties that opposite-sex couples disguised as lesbians go through.  First of all, they suffer from a persecution complex by imagining what everyone else thinks of them as lesbians.  But even worse than that, they have to pretend to be lesbians when in reality they are just regular heterosexuals.  It's enough to drive a couple crazy.

That's why the New York Times gave a spotlight to one heterosexual couple disguised as lesbians who felt the sting of persecution.

This is Joanne.

And this is Joanne's boyfriend, Lara Americo, who I suspect is a big fan of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I have no doubt that Lara's name is as real as his eyebrows.

Hey, not to be sexist, but Lara has quite a figure, doesn't he?

Lara is an LGBTQ activist who runs a coffee house for lesbians in Charlotte, North Carolina, making special blends of coffee for women who love women and men disguised as women who also love women.

Joanne and Lara are pretending that Lara is a girl so they can have a lesbian relationship.  Here is a photo of the happy couple together on the cover of "Creative Loafing Magazine."  Lara is the one in the pink flower shorts.

Joanne was given space to write an op-ed in the Times because she says she and Lara face persecution.  One time, Joanne and Lara were driving a car in a sinister-sounding town called "Whiteville," North Carolina.  Then Joanne saw some guys who looked as though they were from Duck Dynasty.  According to Joanne, the Duck Dynasty guys followed Joanne and Lara in their pickup truck for a while.  And then they stopped following Joanne and Lara!

That is why Joanne was given a highlighted space on the op-ed pages of the Times to write about discrimination against heterosexual couples pretending to be lesbians.  For Joanne and Lara not only feel the imagined sting of persecution that lesbians feel, but that of being pretend lesbians as well, which is probably even worse!

Joanne and Lara have crossed a new sexual barrier.  Not only is Lara pretending to be a woman when Lara is actually a man, but Lara is also pretending to be a lesbian with Joanne.

I think we need a new term for this.  How about "translesbians"?  LGBTQ just doesn't cover it all anymore.  Who will speak out for the rights of translesbians?

Questions for discussion:

1) How many letters does the LGBTQ community need to be fully inclusive?

2) If a Christian baker refused to make a wedding cake for a translesbian couple who want to get married, would he be discriminating against them because they are secretly heterosexual?

3) Should there be a special class of civil rights protections for extreme cosplay fans of The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

4) Why is it that the number of translesbians in television and film is practically nonexistent?  Can you name a single translesbian actor in film or TV?

Ed Straker is the senior writer at Newsmachete.com.

Most people can't appreciate the difficulties that opposite-sex couples disguised as lesbians go through.  First of all, they suffer from a persecution complex by imagining what everyone else thinks of them as lesbians.  But even worse than that, they have to pretend to be lesbians when in reality they are just regular heterosexuals.  It's enough to drive a couple crazy.

That's why the New York Times gave a spotlight to one heterosexual couple disguised as lesbians who felt the sting of persecution.

This is Joanne.

And this is Joanne's boyfriend, Lara Americo, who I suspect is a big fan of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I have no doubt that Lara's name is as real as his eyebrows.

Hey, not to be sexist, but Lara has quite a figure, doesn't he?

Lara is an LGBTQ activist who runs a coffee house for lesbians in Charlotte, North Carolina, making special blends of coffee for women who love women and men disguised as women who also love women.

Joanne and Lara are pretending that Lara is a girl so they can have a lesbian relationship.  Here is a photo of the happy couple together on the cover of "Creative Loafing Magazine."  Lara is the one in the pink flower shorts.

Joanne was given space to write an op-ed in the Times because she says she and Lara face persecution.  One time, Joanne and Lara were driving a car in a sinister-sounding town called "Whiteville," North Carolina.  Then Joanne saw some guys who looked as though they were from Duck Dynasty.  According to Joanne, the Duck Dynasty guys followed Joanne and Lara in their pickup truck for a while.  And then they stopped following Joanne and Lara!

That is why Joanne was given a highlighted space on the op-ed pages of the Times to write about discrimination against heterosexual couples pretending to be lesbians.  For Joanne and Lara not only feel the imagined sting of persecution that lesbians feel, but that of being pretend lesbians as well, which is probably even worse!

Joanne and Lara have crossed a new sexual barrier.  Not only is Lara pretending to be a woman when Lara is actually a man, but Lara is also pretending to be a lesbian with Joanne.

I think we need a new term for this.  How about "translesbians"?  LGBTQ just doesn't cover it all anymore.  Who will speak out for the rights of translesbians?

Questions for discussion:

1) How many letters does the LGBTQ community need to be fully inclusive?

2) If a Christian baker refused to make a wedding cake for a translesbian couple who want to get married, would he be discriminating against them because they are secretly heterosexual?

3) Should there be a special class of civil rights protections for extreme cosplay fans of The Rocky Horror Picture Show?

4) Why is it that the number of translesbians in television and film is practically nonexistent?  Can you name a single translesbian actor in film or TV?

Ed Straker is the senior writer at Newsmachete.com.