Halloween guidance from 'experts' with their 'study'

I saw a very important story about Halloween candy in the Wall Street Journal.  It starts out: 

A dark thought flickered through the minds of experts at the American Chemical Society (ACS): How much Halloween candy would it take to kill someone?

The article contains a formula, depending on your weight, about how many fun-sized candy bars, gummy bears, or pieces of candy corn you can eat in one sitting before you kick the bucket.  The article does admit that you will probably puke prior to dying, but let's forget that. 

I learned that as a 200-pound man, I would probably drop over dead at around 300 small candy bars at one time, so I will stop at around 250.  That should be a safe sugar high.

The article does note that "the lethal dose for humans could differ from the dose that affects a test population of rats."

Thank goodness scientists are there to tell us that humans are different from rats.  Who would have known that?  It is like people believing that men are different from women.

I am anxiously awaiting an ACS study on kale.  I would like to see how many pounds of kale will destroy the digestive system and kill you.  How many leaves would it take to gag a person, especially older people?  They could test it on rats.  How much kale can a 70-pound kid eat safely?  I personally gag on mushy bananas and can't stand peas and cooked spinach, so I would like a study on them also.  I know I would die if I were forced to eat them. 

I hope the ACS factored in the massive global warming and sea level rise into its study, because that is what will kill the kids before too much candy.

Getting back to the lethal dose of candy study, a quarter-century ago, it would have been fun telling my four-year-old daughter she couldn't eat as much candy as her eight- and twelve-year-old brothers because she didn't weigh as much, and the candy would kill her.  That would have been a cheery conversation.  We could have set a goal for her to gain a lot of weight the next year so she could eat more Halloween candy. 

I have to wonder how my children got to be healthy adults aged 29, 33, and 37 today, since we didn't have valuable studies like this to guide us through their childhood.  We allowed them to eat Halloween candy, cake, ice cream, red meat, eggs (even raw eggs in cookie dough), Happy Meals, soda, and fried food.  We even lived within one mile of a coal-fired power plant during their entire childhood.  We obviously should have been charged with child abuse.

I will file this fabulous study with the one that says one diet soda a day will lead to a much higher risk of strokes and possibly an increased chance of dementia.  I know that that study, involving around 5,000 people, got rid of all other factors and variables (especially genetics) when it determined that the human body (with ten to fifteen gallons of water), the brain and heart, couldn't properly digest and dispose of a thimble or two of an artificial sweetener a day without causing significant damage.

Since I drink two diet sodas a day (I can't stand coffee), I don't have a prayer, so I may as well go directly to medical marijuana, because I know that that is safe – especially if I don't eat too much sugar with it.  I hope I don't get the munchies.  I also will watch out for CO2. 

Anyway, happy Halloween, and parents, beware of paying a lot of attention to numerous reports that are meant to scare you worse than Halloween costumes.  Many times, the studies are found to be false. 

I will keep my intake of candy to less than 250 bars tonight.  I have to be careful.

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