You just might be a Progressive Democrat if...

Jeff Foxworthy made it big with his "you just might be a redneck" routine.  Foxworthy's success inspired me to flatter him, sincerely, with a "you just might be a Progressive Democrat" imitation.  The take-off goes as follows:

If you think you are the most tolerant person in the room but label all opposing views "hate speech," you just might be a Progressive Democrat.

If you believe that being gay is hardwired and unchangeable but insist that male and female are merely social constructs and that folks can change their "gender identities" from one day to the next, there's a good chance you are a Progressive Democrat.

If you lose sleep over a possible two-degree increase in global temperature over the next fifty years and believe that 97% of all climate scientists think the Earth is getting dramatically warmer due to greenhouse gases...and that buying a heavily subsidized Tesla will make things appreciably better, there's a good chance you're a no-windmills-in-my-backyard Progressive Democrat.

If you have no idea who Richard Lindzen, John Coleman, Bjorn Lomborg, or Freeman Dyson is, you're probably a very Green Progressive Democrat.   

If you are passionate about protecting snail darters, spotted owls, and gray wolves but believe there's a constitutional right to dismember a nine-month-old human baby in his mother's womb, you are quite likely a Progressive Democrat.

If you cite Pope Francis's comments about global warming and the environment, believing they come from one of the most morally insightful persons on the planet, but pay no attention to papal pronouncements concerning abortion and the family, there's a good chance you are a Nancy Pelosi, cafeteria-Catholic Progressive Democrat.

If you support "diversity" but see nothing amiss with colleges and universities whose faculties are overwhelmingly leftist, or if you have no problem with major media that are similarly one-sided politically, you just might be a Progressive Democrat.

If you don't know that the Progressive movement and the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger, are closely connected with racist eugenics, you're probably a historically illiterate Progressive Democrat.   

If you still think Benghazi was caused by an internet video and have no clue that the Coptic immigrant who produced the video was imprisoned for several months in Texas, you are almost certainly a mainstream media Progressive Democrat.

If you aren't troubled by the use of the IRS to suppress conservative "Tea Party" groups prior to the 2012 election (and afterward), you just might be a Progressive Democrat.

If you are outraged by Donald Trump's about-faces and inaccurate statements but aren't at all perturbed by President Obama's misrepresentations with respect to the Affordable Care Act ("if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor; we'll lower premiums by up to $2,500 for a typical family per year"), there's a good chance you are a Progressive Democrat.

If you think "Fast and Furious" is a remake of Eddie Murphy's 48 Hrs., you just might be a Progressive Democrat.

If you were alarmed by the never confirmed accusation that a single person in a large Tea Party crowd hurled the "n-word" at a black congressman but are unperturbed when leftists actually riot, destroy property, endanger lives, and shut down political speech on campuses – or when an organized group of Black Lives Matter protesters chant, "Pigs in a blanket, fry 'em like bacon," it is quite likely you are a Progressive Democrat.

If you are "pro-choice" but don't believe in giving Americans choices when it comes to buying a firearm or choosing their kids' schools, you just might be a Progressive Democrat.

If you are incensed by the income gap in this country but think nothing about the Obamas sending their kids to the elite Sidwell Friends School while opposing and even removing educational options for poor parents whose offspring are stuck in failing Washington, D.C. public schools, you are quite likely a teacher union-supporting Progressive Democrat.

If you don't mind pressing 2 for English, you're more than likely a Progressive Democrat.

If it doesn't give you a moment's pause to overturn marital traditions that have existed for millennia because a handful of possibly biased social science surveys say it's okay, you are probably a nearsighted, kid-unfriendly Progressive Democrat.

If you don't acknowledge the violent history of Islam but instinctively associate Christianity with the Crusades, the Inquisition, and Salem's witch trials, there's more than a good chance you are a secular Progressive Democrat for whom "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." 

If you think "lack of economic opportunity" is the primary cause of the 70% out-of-wedlock birth rate among black Americans and that fatherlessness has little to do with high crime rates in that community, you just may be an ideologically blinkered, morality-averse Progressive Democrat.

If you think the words "racist," "sexist," "homophobic," "ethnocentric," and "religiously bigoted" should be integral parts of the National Anthem and never give a thought to the fact that a million immigrants come to the U.S. each year, you just may be, and probably are, an angry, ungrateful, politically obsessed Progressive Democrat.

If you want to get me fired or boycott my business for writing this piece, you're probably a Progressive Democrat.  But you're too late.  I'm already retired.  

Richard Kirk is a freelance writer whose book Moral Illiteracy: "Who's to Say?" is also available on Kindle.

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