Ancient Egyptians looked more like Eddie Fisher than Eddie Murphy

In liberal thinking, it's very popular to rewrite history to make the pharaohs black.  I think it was all about the liberal ideal of building black self-esteem.  There were no empires or castles or advanced civilizations in sub-Saharan Africa, and liberals felt there was a gap to be filled.  Liberal pop culture emulated this theme, to the point of unintentional parody, in Michael Jackson's "Remember the Time" video, where Jackson portrayed all the Egyptians as black and Eddie Murphy as their pharaoh.

The truth was quite different.  DNA testing shows that the ancient Egyptians looked less like black people...and more like Jews.  The modern Egyptians we see in Egypt today are thought to be the descendants of slaves.

Researchers used modern genetic analysis techniques to study the genomes of 93 mummies that lived between 1300 BC – the late New Kingdom Period – and around 30 BC during the time of the Romans.

 Their results were the opposite of what they were expecting to find, Professor Krause said. "They have these closest genetic links to the fertile crescent and the eastern populations of what's now Israel[.]" ...

And yet, at some point in the past 1,500 years, there has been a major addition of sub-Saharan genetic material – largely West-African Yoruba – into Egypt's population[.] ... [T]here is evidence of an active slave trade that reached its peak in the 19th century, and which was responsible for the transportation of millions of slaves from sub-Saharan Africa to Northern Africa and Egypt.

I think this is great.  Now Jewish kids who struggle in school due to self-esteem issues can be  told that they are descended from emperors.  Jewish children raised by single mothers can have something to grasp onto, to know that they come from greatness.  This can help them to improve in school and make a better life for themselves.  Jewish kids who have been swept up in the indiscriminate opioid crisis and are caught in the criminal justice system for low-level nonviolent offenses can learn their history with pride and turn over a new leaf.

Jewish adults, too, can benefit as a whole.  This news can raise the self-esteem of Jewish adults as well, spurring them to work harder and do better in the business world.  Colleges may be able to eventually stop giving Jews affirmative action and admit them based on the same standards as everyone else.  Eventually, affirmative action for Jews in the banking, academic, and artistic sectors, not to mention the world of basketball, can be phased out as higher achieving Jews achieve on their own without the helping hand of affirmative action.

Exit question: If black people can't claim pharaohs as their own, what historical niche will liberals look to give them next?

Ed Straker is the senior writer at