The 2016 Democratic Platform: Be Happy

In these troubled times, are you feeling anxious? Do you wake up at night wondering if the country is on the right track? Well, friends, I have in my hand a document with words of comfort and encouragement for troubled souls: the 2016 Democratic Party Platform. Fifty-one pages of solutions for what ails you, and that’s not Roger.

Have you been hacked? What a hassle. Can’t anyone fix this problem? Democrats to the rescue. Hi Ho Hillary. From the party platform: “Democrats will protect our industry, infrastructure, and government from cyberattacks. We will strengthen our cybersecurity, seek to establish global norms in cyberspace, and impose consequences on those who violate the rules.” (Well… maybe not consequences for absolutely everyone.)

A veteran myself, I was reassured to read in the platform that the Democrats “are outraged by the systemic problems plaguing the Department of Veterans Affairs.” Whoever has been running the VA for the last 8 years should be terrified. The Democrats are “outraged.” Look out you scoundrels, whoever you are.

Are you worried about the decline of entrepreneurship? You should be. New business starts are down. Entrepreneurs aren’t entrepreneuring like they used to. What can be done? The Democratic party platform calls for programs to train entrepreneurs. “We will support entrepreneurship and small business growth in cities by providing mentoring and training to entrepreneurs and small business owners…” Government training for entrepreneurship from those crazy, creative, risk-taking bureaucrats. Zing!

Having a tough time as a small business owner? No worries. Democrats “will cut the red tape that holds back small businesses and entrepreneurs.” I thought Democrats were known for printing the red tape. Elsewhere in the platform the Democrats say they will “empower regulators.” Give regulators the power, but take away their red tape. Brilliant.    

Dare I mention banking? We’ve been on the edge of our seats for months. Bernie and Hillary back and forth on “too big to fail,” on releasing those transcripts of her Wall Street speeches, on who voted for the bailout and who didn’t, on who was tough on the banks and who just talked tough. Can’t we all just get along? Well, they came together as only liberal Democrats can. The party platform proposes “empowering the United States Postal Service to facilitate the delivery of basic banking services.” Post offices as banks. Reverse privatization. Take that Republicans.       

The Federal Reserve is the central banking system of the United States. People talk a lot about the Federal Reserve. Some are for it; others are against it.  Democrats have an idea. They will ensure “that executives of financial institutions are not allowed to serve on the boards of regional Federal Reserve banks.” Men and women who know something about banking and finance will not be allowed to serve. Problem solved.

Traveling overseas? Don’t worry. Be happy. From the 2016 platform: “Democrats will protect American citizens abroad.” What a tragedy that the guys in Benghazi were calling the State Department for help when they should have been calling the Democrats.