When I learned of the Orlando shooting, I was completely overwhelmed by feelings of sadness for a moment – until I realized the opportunity before me.  My fleeting encounter with human sympathy quickly shifted to rage.  The boiling emotions inside could not be subdued.  I will not allow sorrow, moments of silence, or any pallid sentiments to get in the way.  This is a time for unbridled political rage.  I'll tell you why.

Time and time again, we have failed to live up to our self-appointed moral standing by not capitalizing on massacres – and that must end now!  What's the use of a tragedy if we can't profit from it for political gain? 

One of the greatest dangers at a time like this is allowing irrational passion to be replaced by responsible accountability.  There is self-righteousness to be achieved, and we cannot allow facts, truth, or any other inconvenience to stand in the way. 

As such, there is only one group to blame for the Orlando shooting, executed by a Democrat ISIS operative: Republicans.  Yes, my political opponents.  Why? 

For their continued refusal to expand my political sovereignty over their individual rights.  They are the ones at fault.  It would be far too simple to blame shooters who identify with a worldwide syndicate dedicated to beheading dissidents. 

ISIS members are Muslims.  Muslims are a minority.  It is bigoted to demand that a minority to live up to our basic social standards.  You expect members of a victim group to be free moral agents, capable of deferring raging impulses?

I don't even expect it of myself.  What kind of a hypocrite would I be to expect it of a minority?

No.  The shooter is absolved of responsibility.  The blame is yours, GOP.  If only you had not denied me my right to decide what you need and don't need for protection, none of this would have happened.  After all, your rights end where my feelings begin. 

My seething is justified.  All that stands in the way of our finally achieving peace is a single piece of legislation.  That's it.  Just one law away from utopia.  And your fetish for individual rights won't allow that to happen.  We could have ended shootings years ago, if not for you.  Why wouldn't I be indignant?

Sure, the shooter passed federal background checks, but that proves only that we need even bigger and better checks!  And who's stopping those?  You, Republicans!  How many more need to die before you finally submit to us?  When will you surrender the power we seek to finally end bad things for everyone?  If only you terror accomplices were as forward thinking as the citizens of Paris or Brussels, all of this could have been avoided.

I appeal to the wisest minds of our time:

Rolling Stone called the Second Amendment outdated and petitioned for its repeal.  And who understands being outdated more than Rolling Stone?

Middle-aged Canadian TV person Samantha Bee discharged an emotional outburst.  Internet headlines called it blistering, and I'm not going to argue.

Somebody else said, "[We] must command all the guns. That way, no guns can ever be used to command the party."  Okay, it was Mao, but it sounds as though he was onto something. 

Let us never forget that if things are illegal, they're impossible!

It is absolutely paramount that opposition to progressive social policies be tied to terrorism.  Otherwise, how are we expected to progress?  By changing minds?  Your failure to conform to our superior morality is what fuels terrorist acts by registered Democrats.  Because sharing Martin Luther King, Jr.'s position that biology has something to do with marriage is qualitatively identical to supporting the mass murder of homosexuals. 

Finally, I have decided that there is simply no reason for anyone to have the power to kill 50 people.  Granted, you could do the same with a car or a pressure cooker, but when did I claim any devotion to consistency?  My devotion is to public officials, who should have the power to end the world ten times over. 

Of course, more genocide has been committed by governments against unarmed citizens than everything else in history combined...but that's beside the point.  Only a paranoid maniac would think that our government could ever become a totalitarian dictatorship.  Now, if you don't mind, I have a Trump-is-Hitler rally to attend. 

So hang your thoughts and prayers.  No more silence.  Our noble expression of rage toward innocent citizens who resist intrusion is needed more than your appeal to a deity.  Who needs that, when we have something greater to rely on: government?

If it takes a thousand more terrorist attacks, we will keep exploiting them until you disarm.  America will be as free of weapons as Pulse was.  Only then will there be peace, once and for all.  We've had enough!  We are coming for your guns, Republicans.  What could go wrong?