Modern mavens and maxims of meteorological mayhem

Here’s a bit of earthy mirth for Earth Day 2016.

Inspired by the atmospheric angst of the November-December 2015 Paris climate change conference, late last year, we proposed new weather wonkery c our versions of popular meteorological anecdotes like the witticisms of old that folks frequently used to stay ahead of storms.  For example, one of the most familiar traditional axioms is “red sky in morning, sailors take warning; red sky at night, sailors delight.”

We proffered alternative, snarky sayings like: “green guy in mourning, taxpayers take warning,” and “a warm December is climate change to remember, a cold July is a denier’s lie.”

Well, it’s a new year, new season, new election cycle, new Earth Day.  Time for new wisecracks.

Curtailing U.S. and European industrialization is in vogue with climate activists, while at the same time they seem to give a pass to big polluters in India and China. So, apparently:

When a carbon footprint stomps West,
Time to rein in the very Best.
When a carbon footprint stomps East,
Time to unleash the fiery Beast.

As for the endorsement of climate calamity by all those scientific societies via the organization’s ruling-class officers and unelected advisers:

When society officers claim,
(And, heedless of their members, maintain)
That climate doom is lapping our shore,
It’s time for the claim to ignore.

What about all that “certainty” over climate predictions decades into the future, with its lofty sanctions by intellectual and political elites?

When denizens of doom deem
An airy horizon of extreme,
Could it be that they really don't know
What lies beyond the misty rainbow?
When the echo chambers of academia rattle,
Down the hallowed halls the haughty tattle,
Beware! you non-conforming academician,
You’ll soon face the wrath of the pompous politician.

A waft of hot air from D.C.
Brings chills to the coal industry,
And with the likes of Bernie,
Or even esteemed Hillary,
To traditional energy,
Say good riddance and RIP.

Then there are these punchy prognostic proverbs:

Loretta Lynn sang of the “Coal Miner's Daughter,”
Loretta Lynch sees coal miners as fodder.

In warming temperatures your pocketbook aches,
A portent of a carbon tax government takes.

If warming records are a bust,
The solution is to upwards adjust.

When climate forms a mortal coil,
The culprit is of course big oil.

If your maxims can't bear a scrutinizing attack,
Keep repeating and they’ll become an absolute fact.

And, finally, more limerick than soothsaying, is a nod to a familiar tale:

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who gauged his snow in a bucket,
When the bucket was dry,
He said “my, oh my,”
This winter, we’re really...experiencing man-made global warming.

Anthony J. Sadar is author of In Global Warming We Trust: Too Big to Fail, just published by Stairway Press, 2016.  JoAnn Truchan is a professional engineer specializing in chemical engineering and air pollution control.