The Lumberbumperer

A staffer recently told me that you don’t want to be in one of the Capitol building’s marble hallways if Loretta Lynch, aka “Mighty Mouse,” decides to stroll down the same space.  Because if you are, the attorney general’s personal FBI bodyguards will push you face first into an alcove until you hear her heels clicking importantly by. 

With armored cars and jets poised to take her wherever in the world she decides she has to go, her 24/7 threat surveillance, spacious offices, $199,000 in annual salary, unlimited expense account, free lunches and dinners, and more deputies and associates than you can throw a rock at – being attorney general of the United States is nice work if you can get it.

Especially since, under the Obama administration, you never have to rub two brain cells together.

Up in the Catskills, or just shy of them, where I’ve made my home for years and years, I ran across a word not found in any dictionary – lumberbumpering.  It describes the moronic speech accompanied by sagging facial muscles of a fella who worked at the bottom of a log chute in a lumber mill and got hit in the head one too many times. 

“Don’t lumberbumper me,” a mountain mom might yell at a child playing stupid.

Which is exactly what we taxpayers should shout in the face of Loretta Lynch, because according to Politico, what the attorney general said about the San Bernardino shooters was that she was "not sure" which ideology they were driven by!   

For those of us who have the stomach to keep reading, she wasn’t done.  Because she also had some gratuitous advice for those of us out here in the sticks desperate for the same – don’t "give into fear."

Three quick points.  One – what I believe Politico meant to say was “give in to fear.”  Two – why shouldn’t I, with idiots like her running the country?  Three – what does “give in to fear” mean, anyway?

If you’re in fear, you’ve already given in to the emotion, so how do you give in to it again?  Leaving that point aside, does giving “in to fear” mean that you surround yourself with armed guards, travel in an up-armored Suburban, have heavily armed security watching your home 24/7, and push people out of the way in any hallway you decide to use?

Is that what it means, you smug, supercilious government lawyer? 

All this would be funny if it didn’t cost us billions and billions of dollars.

And the soul of a once proud nation.

Richard F. Miniter is the author of The Things I Want Most, BDD, Random House.  He lives and writes in Stone Ridge, New York; blogs at richardfminiterblog.com; and can be reached at miniterhome@gmail.com.

A staffer recently told me that you don’t want to be in one of the Capitol building’s marble hallways if Loretta Lynch, aka “Mighty Mouse,” decides to stroll down the same space.  Because if you are, the attorney general’s personal FBI bodyguards will push you face first into an alcove until you hear her heels clicking importantly by. 

With armored cars and jets poised to take her wherever in the world she decides she has to go, her 24/7 threat surveillance, spacious offices, $199,000 in annual salary, unlimited expense account, free lunches and dinners, and more deputies and associates than you can throw a rock at – being attorney general of the United States is nice work if you can get it.

Especially since, under the Obama administration, you never have to rub two brain cells together.

Up in the Catskills, or just shy of them, where I’ve made my home for years and years, I ran across a word not found in any dictionary – lumberbumpering.  It describes the moronic speech accompanied by sagging facial muscles of a fella who worked at the bottom of a log chute in a lumber mill and got hit in the head one too many times. 

“Don’t lumberbumper me,” a mountain mom might yell at a child playing stupid.

Which is exactly what we taxpayers should shout in the face of Loretta Lynch, because according to Politico, what the attorney general said about the San Bernardino shooters was that she was "not sure" which ideology they were driven by!   

For those of us who have the stomach to keep reading, she wasn’t done.  Because she also had some gratuitous advice for those of us out here in the sticks desperate for the same – don’t "give into fear."

Three quick points.  One – what I believe Politico meant to say was “give in to fear.”  Two – why shouldn’t I, with idiots like her running the country?  Three – what does “give in to fear” mean, anyway?

If you’re in fear, you’ve already given in to the emotion, so how do you give in to it again?  Leaving that point aside, does giving “in to fear” mean that you surround yourself with armed guards, travel in an up-armored Suburban, have heavily armed security watching your home 24/7, and push people out of the way in any hallway you decide to use?

Is that what it means, you smug, supercilious government lawyer? 

All this would be funny if it didn’t cost us billions and billions of dollars.

And the soul of a once proud nation.

Richard F. Miniter is the author of The Things I Want Most, BDD, Random House.  He lives and writes in Stone Ridge, New York; blogs at richardfminiterblog.com; and can be reached at miniterhome@gmail.com.