Liberals fear world running out of chocolate and vanilla

Consider, for a moment, what will happen the day the last piece of chocolate is mined.  When the last piece of chocolate is taken out of the last chocolate mine, we will have zero chocolate left.  There will be no solar chocolate, or wind-powered chocolate.  Just no chocolate.  It's not as if chocolate grows on trees...or does it?

Concern for the dwindling stocks of this and other precious "non-renewable" resources has prompted the nutty liberals at mega-corporation Unilever to get their PR machine in full gear to show that they are producing chocolates, and other products, in a "sustainable" manner.  That's the new liberal buzzword.  Because liberals feel that we live on a dead planet, like Mars, they feel that we have to conserve every drop of water, every pound of mineral, every branch of tree, or else we will run out of everything.  Even though things like water, and yes, chocolate, are clearly renewable resources, liberals want to require these things to be certified "sustainable" by their little enviro-Gestapo groups.

Hellmann's mayonnaise is known for many things – making egg salad delicious, being loaded with fat, that old "bring out the best" jingle. To date, however, it hasn't been associated with sustainability. Mayo is a processed food made by huge conglomerates, not a symbol of environmentalism.

Oh, no!

Paul Polman would like that to change. As chief executive of Unilever, Mr. Polman has made sustainable production – of Hellmann's, Lipton tea, Dove soap, Axe body spray and all the other products Unilever makes – the company's top priority. 

Hey, Mr. Polman, if that is your real name, if you're so concerned about the environment, why don't you stop raping the earth to make tea, soap, and body spray?

Detergents are being reformulated to use less water. Packaging is becoming more efficient. 

I like efficient packaging.  When I buy tea, I want my tea bag to be as productive and as hardworking as possible.

 Not only does the Unilever sustainable living plan pledge to cut the company's environmental impact in half by 2020, it also vows to improve the health of one billion people and enhance livelihoods for millions

Wow.  Improving the health of a billion people!  We can cancel Obamacare; all we need is Unilever.

Here's a list of some of the nutty things Unilever is claiming to do:

Mayonnaise trying to use oil made from sustainable soybeans; introduced a more ecologically designed plastic bottle.

Mustard line encouraging consumers to refill ceramic containers rather than buy new glass jars.

Tea bags now filled with leaves certified as sustainable by the Rainforest Alliance.

Ice cream using vanilla and chocolate certified as sustainable by the Rainforest Alliance.

Fabric softener designed to use less water than rival brands.

What are "sustainable" soybeans?  All soybeans are sustainable because you can plant and replant them.  They are renewable resources.  The same goes for vanilla and chocolate, which come from beans, and tea, which comes from leaves.  The only difference is that they paid off the "Rainforest Alliance," the local environmental Gestapo, to get their seal of environmental approval, much as companies used to pay off Jesse Jackson to prove they weren't racist.

By the way, many washing machines won't let you set the amount of water you use, so fabric softener that uses less water is meaningless.  And I can't wait for customers to come to supermarkets with dirty, crusty mustard jars to refill their mustard supply.  I suspect that those jars could be a dangerous source of mustard gas.

Deep in the article, even the reporter admits that most of this is really about nothing:

And even as Unilever rushes headlong into this brave new world, a big question remains: What is sustainability, anyway? Despite its righteous timbre, it's a fuzzy term that means different things to different people. ... Dig into the specifics of that one ingredient, and it becomes clear that what Unilever calls sustainable sometimes doesn't mean all that much. ... In fact, Unilever doesn't ask the farmers to change much at all. All that the program requires is that farmers pledge to become more ecologically sound and use the Field to Market software to share voluminous data about how they run their farms. ... So far, Unilever and ADM aren't even enforcing these rules.

This is all a PR effort to make Unilever appeal to those consumers who want their food to be labeled "environmental."  As for me, I'd prefer my food to be labeled "illegal alien- and radical Islam-free."

This is not at all different from the media pushing a toilet paper-free lifestyle, or praising environmentalists who hang themselves from a bridge, or criticizing Trader Joe's for using chimpanzee day laborers, or spending money to protect the environment on Mars.  It's all fringe stuff designed to make liberals feel good, while the big problems we face – national security, the debt, and disguised boys showering with girls – are ignored.

This article was written by Ed Straker, senior writer of, the conservative news site.

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