Now that the Treasury Department has – politically correctly – announced its intention to feminize the $10 bill, the race is on to choose the woman whose portrait will replace Alexander Hamilton’s. 

Treasury secretary Jack Lew has promised to launch “a massive public campaign to solicit suggestions through social media and town halls for what the bill should look like and who should be on it.”  Imagine all the Treasury bureaucrats trotting around flyover land to figure that one out.  Oh, well...it shouldn’t add more than a few tens of millions more to our $18-trillion national debt.  

The Washington Post speculated that the new fair-sex tenner might feature Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Rosa Parks. 

Well, Anthony was a memorable feminist, suffragette, abolitionist, temperance agitator, and equal-rights activist, but she’s already been on the $1 coin as well as a 3₵ stamp.  Besides, prohibition didn’t  really work out all that constitutionally well – denying, as it did, equal protection of the law to persons (of whatever sexual orientation) who “identified” as drinkers of spirituous beverages. 

Tubman wasn’t really as significant a figure as Anthony, and you have to wonder about portraying, on ten dollars of our worthless national currency, anybody who helped John Brown recruit, organize, and fund an armed insurrection that eventually consumed almost three quarters of a million American lives. 

Roosevelt’s mainly famous as a first lady – in which context either Martha Washington or Dolly Madison would be a much better historical choice.  But then she was a lesbian before lesbianism was cool.  Anyway, she’s already been on a 5₵ (and even a 20₵) stamp. 

As for Parks, does once having a really bad bus ride in Montgomery, Alabama before becoming John Conyers’s career secretary/receptionist in Washington, D.C. really outrank Hamilton’s founding achievements?  And she’s also already been on a 46₵ stamp anyway (inflation, you know).

Look, let’s get serious about this.

The way America’s politically correct culture has been going lately, a much better bet for a politicized $10 bill might be Ellen DeGeneres, Caitlyn Jenner, or Rachel Dolezal.  I particularly favor Dolezal.  I mean, lesbianism and transgenderism are one thing, but by golly, transracism is a whole new really dandy smoke.  After all, what other woman in U.S. history sued blacks because she was white before she sued whites because she was black?  And, as well, she’s reportedly bisexual and an admirer of Jenner’s transgenderism.  What’s not to like here?

After Dolezal, one can only imagine the infinite vista of possibilities presented by the freedom to become virtually anything you care to “identify” as being.  Jacques Derrida and Michel Foucault would have loved it.  I mean, this is the real rubber-room stuff of deconstructionist dreams.  Hell, I’m so liberated by Dolezal’s stupefying “identification” example that I’m now hard at work “identifying” myself as a non-white, non-male, non-heterosexual, non-Christian, polymathic, excessively rich, wonderfully attractive, world-famous, member-of-every-conceivable-minority, 18-year-old prince of politically correct perfection and sexually-ambivalent sensuality.

Oh, shoot...I just read that you have to be dead, as well as (biologically, I presume) female, before the Treasury Department will consider putting your portrait on the 2020 $10 bill.  What, the living don’t have equal rights with the dead?  And really, Dolezalism is the coming thing.  Like, you know, be whatever in the hell you “identify” as being.  Screw reality.  It sucks anyway.

Seriously (really, this time), are we now so deeply mired in politically correct newspeak and newthink that we must now expunge a founding-father icon and the first secretary of the nascent American nation’s treasury from his place on our $10 bill in order to make way for a mere Harriet Tubman or Rosa Parks?