House Republicans working hard to make heroin and cocaine safer

It's bad enough if someone injects heroin and cocaine into his body.  Both are very dangerous substances.  But even worse, addicts reuse needles, leaving them open to infection and AIDS.

House Republicans want to help.  That's why, for the first time, they are allowing federal funds to be used to pay for programs that will give clean needles to drug addicts.  That way, an addict shooting up with heroin, who already has a lot on his mind, won't have to worry about fear of infection or AIDS.  Isn't that wonderful?

Faced with a health crisis resulting from a rise in heroin use in many of their home states, House Republicans are easing their longstanding opposition to federal funding in support of needle exchange programs.

The annual health spending measure now taking shape in the House would still bar using federal dollars to buy sterile needles or syringes, but officials could use federal grant money to provide support for state and local drug treatment programs that include needle exchanges.

But an outbreak of AIDS and hepatitis tied to heroin and other drug use in states like Indiana and Kentucky has led conservative public officials in those states to reverse themselves and allow needle exchange programs as a way to combat the spread of disease and bring drug users into treatment programs. Notably, Gov. Mike Pence of Indiana, a former Republican House member and a longtime proponent of the ban, recently allowed needle exchanges in parts of his state to counter an AIDS epidemic.

But why stop there?  We know how heroin and cocaine are sold to schoolchildren.  We are naturally against that, but at the same time, since it is obviously happening, doesn't the government also have an obligation to make it as safe as possible?  Kids go to buy from drug dealers in dangerous alleys where they can be robbed or killed.  By permitting kids to buy drugs on school playgrounds, kids can be assured that they are buying drugs in a safe environment.

Schools should also consider giving kids a room to shoot up in, a room where school monitors can go around and make sure kids aren't getting too high.  Maybe a portion of school lunchrooms can be cordoned off to use as drug dens.  After all, we don't want kids to use drugs, but if they're going to, House Republicans should want to make it as safe as possible.

Does this sound preposterous to you?  It should, but it is just a logical extension of what House Republicans are doing.

Satire aside, let me tell you the drug treatment program I really like.  I have an even better idea than a needle exchange program.  I call it the "freedom exchange program."  Addicts give up their freedom, and in return they go to a state of the art rehab facility with four walls, one of which is all bars.  I'll bet Indiana's AIDS epidemic through shared needles could have been avoided if authorities had cracked down on open-air drug markets.  Arrest the people involved, put them in jail, and they won't be sharing needles, and they'll get detoxed.

Or you could take the route of the brave House Republicans and provide them with drug paraphernalia.

Exit question: Is there any subject that Republicans won't be "bipartisan" on?

This article was produced by NewsMachete.com, the conservative news site.