Earth entering new and exciting extinction phase

The BBC just announced that mankind is about to become extinct.  I wonder if they realize how much that will cut into their viewership!

The Earth has entered a new period of extinction, a study by three US universities has concluded, and humans could be among the first casualties.

Oh no!  Can't we make the pit bulls or the rottweilers go first?

The report, led by the universities of Stanford, Princeton and Berkeley, said vertebrates were disappearing at a rate 114 times faster than normal. The findings echo those in a report published by Duke University last year.

Wow.  Stanford, Princeton, Berkeley, and Duke!  (What were Yale and Harvard doing?)  It's hard to contradict such prominent sources!  And 114 times faster than normal!  I think I could deal with it if extinction were occurring only 80 or 90 times faster than normal, but anything over 110 times faster than normal is really a subject of tremendous concern.  But wait, it may be even faster than that!

Last year, a report by Stuart Pimm, a biologist and extinction expert at Duke University in North Carolina, also warned mankind was entering a sixth mass extinction event.

But Mr Pimm's report said the current rate of extinction was more than 1,000 times faster than in the past, not 114, as the new report claims.

Wow, that's really fast!  But that's only the velocity of extinction.  What's the acceleration of extinction?  I mean, if extinction is going 1,000 times faster than normal this year, and 1,000 times faster last year, then acceleration is constant (zero).  But if extinction was, say, only 20 times faster last year and is 1,000 times faster this year, that makes for a hugely impressive rate of acceleration and makes the alarming even more alarming!

Now, you may wonder, how exactly do they know the speed of extinction?  Well, it's all very scientific.  They look for fossils from different periods.  And if they don't find fossils for a particular animal in a particular period, they know that's when it became extinct.  With a land mass of only 57,000,000 square miles, scientists can be sure that if they look for fossils in two or three areas and don't find them for a particular animal, there is nowhere else to find them.  Sometimes, if they want to be really sure, they will look in a fourth location as well, and that will usually account for the other 56,998,998 miles they didn't check for fossils.

Mass extinctions do have an upside, however.  All those pesky land and water restrictions meant to protect animals will no longer be needed.  Remember: it's called the Endangered Species Act, not the Extinct Species Act.  Farmers in California's central valley will finally get water that was reserved for fish.  Property owners can build on wetlands without worrying about animal habitats.

And furthermore, we'll get rid of a lot of pests we never wanted in the first place!

1) Spiders.  Who wants icky spiders?

2) Sharks.  We hear about them only when they are eating people

3) Snakes.  They slither around and have forked tongues.

4) Jellyfish.  Would anyone really miss them on the beach?

5) Skunks.  Who needs bad-smelling animals?

6) Scorpions.  No thanks!

7) Bats.  Not a Twilight fan!

8) The thing in the water that Brook Shields stepped on in the Blue Lagoon that poisoned her.

9) Liberals.  Mark Levin not infrequently compares liberals to termites.  He says they infest a state and cause taxes and regulations to be increased, and when they are finished destroying their own state, they flee to conservative states and start nibbling on the foundations there.

Let me know in the comments section what you find yourself looking forward to in the coming mass extinctions!

This article was produced by NewsMachete.com, the conservative news site.